Would ya like to...Mondays

Would ya like to know what my 3rd beta number was today?

5010!!!

I am so excited and relieved. It needed to be at least 1600 to be doubling every 48 hours. It took f o r e v e r for the Dr.'s office to call. I was scared that it was bad news and that they were waiting for Dr. Wiz to call. I finally called myself and got great news!

My first sonogram is next Thursday, when I will officially be 7 weeks.

This makes it seem more real!

What to say...

I admit, I have the urge to blog, but I'm just not sure what to say. Do I go on and on about how excited I am? How nervous I am? How freaking scared I am about every little cramp and twinge? I'm not sure.

First off, I would like to say that if you would like to stop following me now, feel free. I totally understand. If it saves your sanity, do it.

I am so scared. I'm not scared about being a parent. Not yet, anyway. No, I am so scared something is going to go wrong. I'm afraid of walking in on Monday and finding my beta has dropped. I'm afraid of going in for my first sonogram and not seeing anything. I'm afraid of not hearing a heartbeat. I'm afraid of hearing a hearbeat and losing it. There are a million things I'm terrified of, and I'm only 5 weeks pregnant.

On top of that, I'm angry. I'm angry that normal (read: non-IFers) women probably don't have 99% of the fears I have. I'm angry that they get to take a pregnancy test, see a positive and not feel the need to take 5 more, just in case. They can call up, schedule an ultrasound, and float through the next 9 months without being constantly scared.

I think I'm going to have to stop reading the LFCA. I check it every day and always read every blog posted on there for the day. I leave comments when I can and send silent support and prayers when I have nothing to say. I checked it Tuesday when we got home and it multiplied my fears. I just can't handle reading about miscarriages and missing hearbeats and lost pregnancies. I feel terrible and selfish for it, but I figure I'm scared enough as it is.

I'm sorry this post is so disjointed. I guess I have a lot on my mind.

2nd try Beta Number

188

Better, right? Makes me feel much better. I go in next Monday for another check. Sorry about the silence. We didn't get it until today, and we were driving home from Kansas.

More later.

Thanks for all the support. It helped so much!!

Well... (Updated)*

Crap. I took a digital HPT yesterday. It said "pregnant" on it, so I joyfully called my RE's office to schedule a blood test. I took four more tests yesterday (spastic, I know), 2 of them came up with really faint pink lines. I had my beta today, and my number was 26. The head nurse said they liked to see numbers higher than that, but she didn't say what.

26.

That's it. 26.

Crap.

Monday is the soonest we can re-check. I'm sick and terrified and dejected.

26?

*Maybe I should mention that I'm 14dpIUI, but I really think I'm only 11 or 12dpo.

Questions? Part two

Here I am, answering more questions to pass the time. I think I'll try to answer the rest of them, but no promises.

K wanted to know what my favorite books or movies are. I'll tell you both. First off, I love to read. That may be an understatement. If I go a day without reading, something's wrong! And to pick a favorite or two? So hard!!! I would have to say the title of "Favorite Book" is a tie between Anne of Green Gables and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Close seconds are Catherine, Called Birdy, The Witch of Blackbird Pond, Wicked, Pride and Prejudice, and The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and The Big Hungry Bear. Yes, I realize most of those are kids or teenager books. I just seem to like those better! Favorite movies are easier. The Princess Bride, Stranger than Fiction, Shrek. I'm sure there's more, but those are the ones I never get tired of.

Foxy wants to know my most favorite memories of summer. My best summer ever was the summer between 5th and 6th grade. My little brother and I walked a block every morning to our baby-sitter's house and spent the day playing with her three daughters. We probably rode 10 miles a day on our bikes, made up ridiculous stories, swam, had adventures, and, I'm sure, drove the neighbors nuts. The oldest daughter and I made secret codes, code names, and all manner of silly things. It was wonderful.

MommyinWaiting wants to know what I'd do if I won the lottery. Fun! I think the first thing I'd do is send my mom and stepdad on a honeymoon. They never got one, and I know my mom would kill to go to Italy. Then, I would go here and have them build me a castle. Either the Michelle, the Nicole, or the Malia. I would build it next to a lake so I can have a pirate ship too. I would built it somewhere with lots of trees. Then, since I'd be broke after building a castle, I'd keep teaching. Actually, I'd probably keep teaching even if I wasn't broke. I love it!

Finally, DaisyGal wants to know what my favorite memory of meeting my husband and our wedding is. Well, the first time I met Jeff, I thought he was a professor. I didn't know he was only a grad student. He (poor guy) had the job of teaching me and another girl how to use power tools. He couldn't remember our names, so he named us Esther (me) and Agnus. Then, he proceeded to call me Esther for the remainder of the semester. Finally, about December, the professor walked up to me and said "Esther, are you sure your enrolled in this class? I can't find your name." He had managed to convince the entire department that my name was Esther, not Julie.

I honestly don't remember much of our wedding. I was so nervous! But we walked out after the ceremony to Leslie Gore's Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows, which was pretty awesome.

Y'all have a good day!

Questions?

Thanks so much for giving me questions to answer! It gives me something to think about besides, well...you know what. I'll answer the first couple or so today and save the others for tomorrow or Thursday.

Dory wants to know what my opinion on video game violence and it's effect on children is.

Well, Dory, I'll be honest with you...up until last year, the most advanced game system I had was a Super Nintendo. And now that I have a Wii, I spend most of my time playing Super Nintendo games, like Donkey Kong. So I can't honestly say I've ever even given it that much thought. Having said that, I do know that most of my 10 year old students (the boys especially) can name off way more guns than I even knew existed. I suppose that's probably a bad thing!

Rach wants to know what my dream vacation is!

Rach, that's a hard question! There's so many places I want to go. But I think I can narrow it down to two. 1st off, it's my goal to see the Aurora Borealis in person before I die. So I think a trip to Alaska would definitely be one of them! Beyond that, I think I would like to go on a castle-seeing tour in England and Scotland. I want my own castle, but since I don't think that'll ever happen, I want to go see real castles!

I think that's all I'll answer now. Oh, and just so y'all know:
I'm not planning on taking Kreacher's cone off, I'll just be surprised if it lasts for a week. It's already dirty and bashed in. He runs into everything. Especially the backs of my knees...
I'm glad you ladies think I seem calm about testing. I'm not at all. I'm so stressed about it! Last week I dreamed about implantation (weird, I know). Last night, I dreamed ALL NIGHT about my period starting. I think it's more a fear of only seeing one line that's keeping me from testing now. I'd just rather not know.

Would ya like to...Mondays (Vol. 5)

Guess who got neutered today?
Poor guy. He looks pitiful. He's supposed to wear the stupid cone for a week. I doubt that will happen. He's so good natured though, it doesn't seem to be bothering him.

I am at a loss of what to do for today's Would ya like to Monday. I've been thinking about it since last night, and I still don't know. I thought about telling you my pet peeves (boring and pissy. Who wants that?) my current favorite songs (that would take about a minute) or even the crazy dreams I've had lately. None of them sound appealing to me. So, I'm sitting at my computer, watching the coming storm out the window, and pouting. Fun, huh?

So, since I seem to have temporarily run out of non-IF related things to tell you, would you please tell me what you want to know? I'm much better if I have questions to answer. : ) I really don't care what you ask, I'll probably answer it. I'm more than willing to make a fool out of myself for strangers!

I have not yet POAS. I was set in stone about waiting till Friday, after my mom's b-day. She told me today that she has class for her Master's degree and that my step-dad has to work, so we're probably not doing anything. Which leaves me without any good reason to put off testing. AHHHHH!

Please....ask me questions. Give me something to think about other than this.