Optimism...

is for those with easy lives.

When DH and I started TTC 15 months ago, I was sure that by this time this year, we would be showing off an adorable baby to family and friends. I would be spending Thanksgiving with our angel, skipping Black Friday in favor of hanging out my baby.

When summer rolled around and I still wasn't pregnant, I wasn't worried. We're both teachers, and I figured we had the whole summer to do nothing but, well, you know. I was sure that by the time the holidays rolled around, we'd be decorating a nursery in the new house, and I would be one of those adorable pregnant women walking around the grocery store doing last minute shopping. I was sure I would be poring over the Black Friday sales papers, looking for goodies for my baby.

Now?

I'm not sure I'll ever be pregnant. I'm not sure we'll ever have a baby. The road before us looks terrifying. It's full of potholes, boulders, and sheer drop-offs. And I have no idea how to navigate it. I have no idea if what's supposed to carry us through together will make it. And I'm so scared.

Tell me it gets easier.

Today has been rough. It started this morning with an old friend I haven't seen in a couple years. He asked how the new house was, and I told him that we love it, but that it's much bigger than the old one, and we're still adjusting to all the space. He said,"Well, it's room to grow."

.....................

Yes, friend. I realize it's room to grow. That's why be bought the house. Because it has plenty of room for kids, a nice yard, and a good neighborhood. That's why we bought a 4-door sedan. Because we can fit a carseat in the backseat. And now?

I have this urge to buy a zippy little sportscar with no backseat, and to sell the house and by a condo downtown in a building that has no kids.

Fuck.

I went to a wedding this evening. Thought I'd be fine. It's a wedding, right? I can do weddings. I sat with my co-workers, all of whom left their kids at home. But it seemed like no matter what the conversation, it turned back to their kids, and how wonderful they are, despite the shananegians they pull. I left before the wedding cake was cut.

I realize your children are wonderful. I'm sure I would be the same way. But is that really the only thing we can talk about? What about the weather? Texas Tech? New Moon? ANYTHING.