talks, decisions, and being Unsure

I'm not even sure where to begin today. Although I was dreading coming back to school (two weeks just isn't enough!) I was glad that my 20 students would at least take my mind off things. It didn't really work out that way. Instead, DH and I spent the day emailing back and forth about the adoption interest meeting we're attending tonight and the interest form that had to be filled out first. The form itself was easy. The section that said " Describe your family." kind of stumped us. What do you say to that? It had some suggestions, include lifestyle, hobbies, pets. We've been working on it all day, and I still haven't submitted it. I'm so worried that we'll put the wrong information in it, or that we won't put enough in it. And it's tough, since I have no idea how important the initial interest letter really is.

The meeting tonight is for adoption through CPS. We're also looking in to private and agency adoption.

We are leaning more toward adoption than trying IUI. Somewhere in my mind, I thought it would be easier to let go of the idea of being pregnant now than after a few failed IUIs. I think if I hadn't seen my VERY pregnant coworker this afternoon, or ever seen another pregnant woman ever again, I might have held on to this idea. Maybe it's still true. I'm not sure. All I know is that right now, the idea of never being pregnant and giving birth to my own children physically hurts.

There was more I wanted to say, but I just don't have the will to say it now.

just a little rant

I am being a terrible teacher this morning. My students are making Christmas paper chains with spelling words instead of actual work. That's so I can vent a bit about two things that are bothering me.

#1: I was reading the school newspaper published at my husband's school. The cover had a blown-up picture of a sonogram. The headline article was an interview with a 15 year old pregnant with twins. (No surprise there, it's Texas.) But in the interview, the girl said "It only takes one time." Does it? Does it really? Well, thanks for clearing that up! I'll go and just do it once!

#2: I work with a woman who has been trying to get pregnant since this summer. (5 months) She is very upset that she's not pregnant yet, and thinks she fully understands what I'm going through. This really bothers me. I feel selfish thinking I'm going through hell after 15 months when some couples have been struggling for years. In all likelyhood, she'll be pregnant by summer vacation and forget she ever worried.

In completely unrelated news, the author of one of the blogs I follow has had something go wrong with her adoption. Please pray for her.

getting there...

We have 24 days until our next doctor appointment. This appointment will either:

A: (this would be the good one) Tell us that, miraculously, it was a hormone problem, and all the suffering DH has gone through with the crazy hormone pills was worth it, and he now has millions of sperm!

or

B: That it was not a hormone problem. It is a genetic problem, and there's nothing we can do.

Bet you can guess which option I'm praying for.

DH is not liking the hormone pills. It's an estrogen supressor, so it causes hot flashes, mood swings, and stomach problems. Poor guy. Maybe it will be worth it though.

DH finally worked up the guts to look at the sperm donation website the doctor ordered. The donor site is a little surreal. It felt a little strange to sit and pick qualities of a potential father and then add sperm to cart. (Not that I actually did, but I did spend quite a while on the site.) DH does not seem comfortable with this, to say the least. He is trying to consider it, but he's really struggling. I told him if he doesn't want to go this route, it's fine. We can always adopt. I guess I'll keep praying and try not to stress. Nothing we can do for 24 days but wait and see.

Infertility

Infertile: a couple who has had unprotected intercourse for at least one year without conceiving.

This is the definition, as stated in the handout we received at DH's doctor appt. this morning. Official results?

Varicoceles, a cyst, and probably NOA. In layman's terms, despite the varicoceles, Dr. B. says he thinks it is not a blockage problem, but hormonal or genetic. He put DH on some hormone pills, sent him off to do bloodwork for both hormones and genetics, and told us to come back in a month, with a sperm-in-a-cup for testing. Thanks doc. That's JUST what I wanted to do right before Christmas. Everyone loves bad news for the holidays.

Please excuse my sarcasm and my lack of optimism. But it's hard to be optimistic when even the doctor thinks it's grim.

Dr. B. also talked to us about AI with donor sperm and adoption. He very bluntly (and harshly, I think) told us that since DH is over 40, we will be at the back of the domestic adoption line. I don't want to believe this and need to do more research, but I really stink at finding things. If anyone has suggestions of where to look for useful adoption information, I would appreciate it.

Again, I think it will take a while before the seriousness of this begins to sink in. Right now, my concern is all for DH, who is not taking it well. He keeps apologizing. He believes that somehow it's his fault. It's not. I know it isn't. I guess right now, the problem is convincing him.

What a day.

DH and I had a long talk last night about our doc appointment tomorrow. We're both extremely nervous, but I found out neither of us really expect good news. It really seems like we're going instead to have a doctor confirm our worst fears face to face. Lovely.

We talked about what we think our next step will be. Since neither of us really think that "fixing" whatever the problem ultimately turns out to be is feasible or even possible, we talked about donor sperm and adoption.

DH is leaning toward adoption. He didn't say it, but I think (and please excuse my terminology on this) he feels uncomfortable with the idea of a child that is genetically mine and another man's. I think he is more comfortable with a child that, genetically, belongs to neither of us. I'm OK with this, I guess, but it hurts to think I might never be pregnant.

On the bright side, my boobs may never sag! :)

I cried this morning reading adoption blogs on The Stirrup Queen's blogroll. I mean, really really cried. Sobbed. Had to go downstairs and find my teddy bear kind of crying. I haven't really lost it since we found out. Don't get me wrong. I have cried every single day for a week and a half, but not like that. After finally stopping, I called my mom to see what she was up to today. Two seconds of talking to her and I was sobbing again.

I thank God for my mom. She had her own fertility issues when trying to get pregnant with me, so understood and just let me cry. Then she took me shopping for Christmas stuff. I talked with her a while about adoption/sperm donations, DH's feelings, and mine. She told me that somewhere, there was a baby that was meant to be mine. She didn't care how it got to me.

I sure hope she's right.

Thanks, I think

I have spent the day reading blogs written by women who either are infertile themselves, or who are dealing with their husbands' infertility. On the one hand, it has been SO comforting to hear that other people are going through it too. It's good to know we're not alone.

On the other hand, the more reading I do, the closer that dark cloud gets to me. It takes so long for this crap. Any of it. Let me explain, since that's not exactly coherent. All of these women have been trying to get pregnant for years. They've had tests, their husbands have had tests, they've had IUI'S and IVF's, adoptions fall through, and countless other very time consuming process. And I can see time stretching out in front of me, endless and dark. I'm 25. I have all the time in the world to have a child. It's not me. But the DH is 42. He doesn't have time to wait. At this point, if we have a child in the next three years, he'll be in his sixties when the kid graduates high school.

Never has the age difference between my DH and myself bothered me. It's usually nothing. We suit each other like macaroni and cheese. Now, for the first time, it's an issue. I read these other blogs, and I see women my age going through the same thing, but their husbands are my age too. And I know my DH. He will hit a point where he thinks his time has passed, and give up.

Then what? Do I face a childless future? I have always wanted children. Lots of them. Now, I feel like I'll be lucky if I have one.

In other news, I am getting more and more nervous as DH's doctor's appointment approaches next week. It's four days away. Part of me is hoping the doctor will just tell us that there's nothing to do except find a sperm donor or adopt. I am so terrified that we will start spending all this money on procedures that have less than a 20% chance of working. And even if they do work, what if it turns out there's something wrong with me too?

I'm not sure I can handle this.