Thursday, July 8, 2010

What to say...

I admit, I have the urge to blog, but I'm just not sure what to say. Do I go on and on about how excited I am? How nervous I am? How freaking scared I am about every little cramp and twinge? I'm not sure.

First off, I would like to say that if you would like to stop following me now, feel free. I totally understand. If it saves your sanity, do it.

I am so scared. I'm not scared about being a parent. Not yet, anyway. No, I am so scared something is going to go wrong. I'm afraid of walking in on Monday and finding my beta has dropped. I'm afraid of going in for my first sonogram and not seeing anything. I'm afraid of not hearing a heartbeat. I'm afraid of hearing a hearbeat and losing it. There are a million things I'm terrified of, and I'm only 5 weeks pregnant.

On top of that, I'm angry. I'm angry that normal (read: non-IFers) women probably don't have 99% of the fears I have. I'm angry that they get to take a pregnancy test, see a positive and not feel the need to take 5 more, just in case. They can call up, schedule an ultrasound, and float through the next 9 months without being constantly scared.

I think I'm going to have to stop reading the LFCA. I check it every day and always read every blog posted on there for the day. I leave comments when I can and send silent support and prayers when I have nothing to say. I checked it Tuesday when we got home and it multiplied my fears. I just can't handle reading about miscarriages and missing hearbeats and lost pregnancies. I feel terrible and selfish for it, but I figure I'm scared enough as it is.

I'm sorry this post is so disjointed. I guess I have a lot on my mind.


  1. I agree with your decision to stop reading the LFCA. It scares me sometimes too, and I'm not pregnant yet. I'm sorry for all your worries, I hope you are able to just feel joyful soon! Do whatever it takes to let yourself enjoy these moments, and don't worry about others. It's ok to do what YOU need now! I always find that blogging helps me confront my worries and once they're written down, my mind doesn't have to obsess over them quite as much. Don't worry about boring us, this is YOUR blog, not ours! You can whine and worry all you want to! :-)

  2. You go through all the emotions, you take them one step at a time, and you be where you are. And when you have the moments of happiness, try to find what triggered them and save it for when the moments get tough. It will get better, the longer you are pregnant. I didn't really believe it when others told me the same, but it's proven to be true. And sometimes you let the worry go so swiftly that you don't even notice you've just turned a corner.

  3. I would be the exact same way.

    I'd do whatever makes you feel the least stressed. If that means not checking blogs for a while, then that's ok.

  4. You have to take care of yourself and if it means taking a break from LFCA or reading as many blogs, then that's what you should do.

    congrats on your pregnancy. You will be a great mother, just the fact that you are terrified and excited shows that.

  5. Julie - you've always been much better about reading the LFCA than I have - But, if you need a break, or a space to find your balance right now, that's what you should do.

  6. LFCA is there to lend support to those who need it. There is so much love and good will out there. If you take a break for a while, there are plenty of others to support those of us with bad news. You should do what's best for you.

    I personally am someone who will keep reading your blog, even tho I'm not PG. You should be excited! And it's perfectly normal to be scared, too! Hang in there and keep blogging.

  7. I know how you feel...because I felt it for 35 weeks and couldn't blog, couldn't do anything but just breathe and pray.
    Being IF and then PG is such a hard place to are so happy after sooo long, but it's also so scary, waiting to hear the bad stuff (because in this world, we read it all the time)

    my best advice is to know your limits, go to LFCA when you can, stay away when you can' there as much as you can be for other women, but take good care of yourself and your mental health. it's important because you already have survivor /PG guilt and now you don't want to just disappear...I get it, but on some days you NEED to..take that step back and just be there for yourself..

    there will plenty of you to go around and support others (and you DO!!) when you can.


  8. Take all the time you need. I just wanted to say congrats though! Sometimes you just need a little break. I have my own fears about getting pregnant again and it's hard not to see the worst when you read about people going through problems. Here's to smooth sailing ahead and a picture perfect pregnancy.

  9. I'm totally with you on this entire post, and I'm only 4w2d! I also go back on Monday for a repeat beta. Here's to nicely doubling numbers and healthy pregnancies!