I admit, I have the urge to blog, but I'm just not sure what to say. Do I go on and on about how excited I am? How nervous I am? How freaking scared I am about every little cramp and twinge? I'm not sure.
First off, I would like to say that if you would like to stop following me now, feel free. I totally understand. If it saves your sanity, do it.
I am so scared. I'm not scared about being a parent. Not yet, anyway. No, I am so scared something is going to go wrong. I'm afraid of walking in on Monday and finding my beta has dropped. I'm afraid of going in for my first sonogram and not seeing anything. I'm afraid of not hearing a heartbeat. I'm afraid of hearing a hearbeat and losing it. There are a million things I'm terrified of, and I'm only 5 weeks pregnant.
On top of that, I'm angry. I'm angry that normal (read: non-IFers) women probably don't have 99% of the fears I have. I'm angry that they get to take a pregnancy test, see a positive and not feel the need to take 5 more, just in case. They can call up, schedule an ultrasound, and float through the next 9 months without being constantly scared.
I think I'm going to have to stop reading the LFCA. I check it every day and always read every blog posted on there for the day. I leave comments when I can and send silent support and prayers when I have nothing to say. I checked it Tuesday when we got home and it multiplied my fears. I just can't handle reading about miscarriages and missing hearbeats and lost pregnancies. I feel terrible and selfish for it, but I figure I'm scared enough as it is.
I'm sorry this post is so disjointed. I guess I have a lot on my mind.