Monday, January 25, 2010


DH and I have been having a helluva time since we left the RE's , gosh, was it only a week ago?

When Cinderella met Prince Charming at the ball, they talked about all sorts of things. Favorite foods, favorite movies, favorite books. They discussed where they wanted to travel, things they'd like to try. They even ventured into a conversation about what they wanted from their futures. Of course, both wanted children. Later, after the fateful shoe incident, Cinderella sat at home and planned (a bit obsessively) just how their children would look and act. And, although Prince Charming might have been a bit creeped out if he knew that, everything wound up coming out according to Cinderella's plan. Of course it did.

Now, let's pretend that when Cinderella went to the ball, she was presented at the door with a list of all eligible potential fathers. The list includes degrees, interests, hobbies, essays, impressions from the the castle staff, and a description of looks but no pictures. Sure, Cinderella will probably still fall in love with Prince Charming, but due to circumstances beyond her control, he won't be fathering her children. So how does she pick?

Cinderella looks for days, and just when she thinks she's got the perfect "baby-daddy" picked out, Prince Charming comes and hands her a completely different list of options.

Where's a fairy godmother when you need her?

Does this fairy tale sound familiar? For your sake, I hope not! This is exactly what's going on in my little corner of the world, minus the glass slippers and fancy dresses.

How does one pick a potential "baby-daddy"? ( I must refer to donors as "baby-daddies" to keep my own sanity. Please excuse it.) When DH and I started, we simply looked for guys that look like him. Dark curly hair, blue eyes. Then, as we searched through all these guys that looked like my husband but sounded nothing like him personality-wise, we decided to weed out all the men who weren't extroverts. Who didn't seem like they shared my DH's sense of humor. Who seemed boring. And still, we came up with different people.

I liked the pharmocologist who started to answer "what's the funniest thing that ever happened to you?" with "I've seen a squirrel slap a pigeon" and ended with "I've been chased by a homeless man who was walking a cat on a leash." His essay made me laugh out loud.

DH liked the filmmaker who's funniest moment was locking himself in the trunk of a car. We both liked the actor who sounded just like DH until we read his essay. My fourth graders write better than that. His answer to "why are you doing this?" was " money." Well, yes, but couldn't you have made it sound a little better?

We sat down on Saturday and went through our top guys again and again. My pharmacologist got booted, but somehow the stupid actor managed to stay on the list. We are down to three. Well, that's not entirely true. DH is down to three. I have decided, but he's still not sure. There's only one donor on our list who is on the open-donor registry. I think we owe it to our future children to pick him. But DH, I think, is looking at this as a way to give our child everything he can't give him, plus the stuff he can. But, more on that later, I guess.

Sorry about the long, rambling post. It's just so complicated!

Monday, January 18, 2010


Next time I visit the Wiz, hopefully he'll give me a brain and a heart, genetically speaking.

Went to see the RE today, who I believe I'll call Dr. Wiz from here on out. He was very optimistic. He said based on my age, history, and "perfect" sonogram that I should have no trouble getting pregnant using DS. Our first try will be next month.

His office does not use known DS, so BIL's offer is off the table. I'm ok with that. I was not looking forward to waiting six months to even try. I'm not sure how DH feels. He deflected the question the one time I asked. So, it's off to the cryobanks for me, to do research until he's ready to look too.

Now, let me ask you wonderful ladies some advice. I want to make sure this all makes sense. Dr. Wiz said that we will try three months of IUI's before stopping to run tests. He's waiting until then to do an HSG, because he says he doesn't think I need one, unless the OPK doesn't do it's job next month. He said there's no reason I shouldn't be pregnant after 3 cycles.

Does all this sound right? It just seems too optimistic. I have to admit, I'm a little scared of optimism.

Off to see the Wizard

Today is our appointment for our first RE. I am a bit nervous. My dreams make me feel more nervous than anything. Last night I dreamed I was shopping for DS at a not-so-classy mall gift shop. And I was so irritated that it was still $300 a vial, when I didn't even get to pick who it came from.

I have a list of questions, I have DH's SA. I have a sense of (hopefully) misplaced dread that we'll hate him and have to wait until I can get in with another RE, that he'll run tests and find out IUI would be useless anyway, and any number of other useless fears.

Oh well. Five hours, right? I can hold my breathe that long.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

team what!?

My dork of a husband has decided (after a long drawn out analogy that compares baseball to infertility) that we must have a team name by the time we go to the RE on Monday. So far, his suggestions have been:

The Ovulators (rejected b/c obviously, he doesn't ovulate)
The Sperminators (rejected for obvious reasons)
The Spermsicles (again....)
Team B.I.O. (Baby in oven......)
Team Knocked Up (rejected after I pointed out to him it would be team KU. He hates the jayhawks)
Team B.F. (stands for Brother F...well, I'm sure you can guess. In reference to possibly using his brother's swimmers)
Team AlphaBaby (I'm pretty sure he gets the giggles every time he says this)

I have tried to convince him we do NOT, in fact, need a team name, but he's stubborn. As of right now, we're team AlphaBaby, unless you've got something better.

Please tell me you've got something better!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

A Few Things

First off, let me start out with part of the email my husband sent me yesterday:

I decided that I want us to do IUI. Every time I have thought about having a child with you, I have only imagined looking at that child and seeing a part of you. Whether it is your red locks, your smile, your freckles, your love of books, your desire to adopt every animal alive, even that happy dance you do. You are so wonderful I think it would be wrong on so many levels not to see a part of you live on. You mean so much to me, how could I not want more parts of you in my life? In the end this just seems right to me.

So, it looks like we'll be trying IUI. And, it looks like I have the most wonderful husband ever. And, just for the record, I have no idea what happy dance he's talking about...

Funny thing is, he's spent the whole week contacting adoption agencies and lawyers and sending all the information to me. I, on the other hand, found an RE and made my first appointment.

I feel better since we've made a decision. Before, I felt so overwhelmed with all the information and options and questions and fees that just kept piling up. I had no optimism whatsoever. I have a little more now.

On to the next thing: While in Kansas over Christmas, DH and I visited his birth family. We've done this for the past couple years. It's just about the only time we see or talk to them. That might change. He had told them about his azoo diagnosis because he wanted to talk to his R (his half-brother) about the child he recently adopted. And out of the blue, R offered us his sperm.

We were super surprised. I mean, we see them once a year, at most. At first, DH was inclined to to say thanks, but no thanks. But he's been thinking about it, and now we're considering it. DH is considering it cause it would save us tons of money. I'm considering it because DH and R could be twins, and I might have a baby that looks like my husband, instead of a complete stranger. That would be nice.

So, the last thing I want to say is: I would love some advice about the following things:

  • Questions I should ask the RE.
  • People who have used donor sperm who can tell me about banks, success, etc.
  • People who have chosen family donor sperm over a bank.
If you know someone who can tell me anything about any of that, please send them my way. Thanks.

Monday, January 4, 2010

talks, decisions, and being Unsure

I'm not even sure where to begin today. Although I was dreading coming back to school (two weeks just isn't enough!) I was glad that my 20 students would at least take my mind off things. It didn't really work out that way. Instead, DH and I spent the day emailing back and forth about the adoption interest meeting we're attending tonight and the interest form that had to be filled out first. The form itself was easy. The section that said " Describe your family." kind of stumped us. What do you say to that? It had some suggestions, include lifestyle, hobbies, pets. We've been working on it all day, and I still haven't submitted it. I'm so worried that we'll put the wrong information in it, or that we won't put enough in it. And it's tough, since I have no idea how important the initial interest letter really is.

The meeting tonight is for adoption through CPS. We're also looking in to private and agency adoption.

We are leaning more toward adoption than trying IUI. Somewhere in my mind, I thought it would be easier to let go of the idea of being pregnant now than after a few failed IUIs. I think if I hadn't seen my VERY pregnant coworker this afternoon, or ever seen another pregnant woman ever again, I might have held on to this idea. Maybe it's still true. I'm not sure. All I know is that right now, the idea of never being pregnant and giving birth to my own children physically hurts.

There was more I wanted to say, but I just don't have the will to say it now.