Jealousy

One of my teammates is pregnant. As in, she peed on a stick this morning and got a plus.

This is number 2 for her. Number 1 was an unexpected surprise.

She's been trying for exactly one month.

One.

I told her the other day that there would be a small part of me that would hate her if she got pregnant this month. She said she understood.

There is a small part of me that hates her.

And a large part of me that is so jealous, it makes me cry. How nice would it be to decide "hey, it's time for number 2. Let's to this." I keep thinking that if/when Jeff and I go for number 2, it's going to be a long drawn out process of finding the money, deciding if we want the same doctor or try to find a new one, picking a new donor since the one we used is sold out, doctor visits, medicine, OPKs, more money, more doctor visits, more stress.

I'm happy for her. I think it's funny that she went from "never having more children, ever" at the beginning of my pregnancy to actively trying by the time I got back from maternity leave. I'm excited that there will be another child on the team that's close to Cate's age.

But mostly I'm jealous.

Dobby

I think we need to put Dobby to sleep.

Jeff and our dog trainer don't think he needs to be put down yet. They think with a new family, he can live a long and happy life.

I think it would be cruel to do that. Both to Dobby and the new family. In order to find a place where he could thrive, he would literally need no kids, no pets, one person, no electronics, nothing that makes weird noises, and a big yard. I guess I could give him to a caveman.

The Weim rescue won't take him. Not without a vet check and a thyroid test. We can't take him to the vet because he tried to bite everyone in the building last time.

I can't send him to the animal shelter. With his list of issues, he shouldn't be adoptable. The people who would take him would probably use him for dog fights or something. If no one did adopt him, they would put him down. I can't stand the idea of Dobby spending his last days thinking I abandonded him.

We can't keep him though. He snapped at me the other day. If he snaps at me, the person he trusts the most, what will he do to someone else?

What will he do to Cate?

He already spends his evenings staring at Cate. Like the washing machine and the TV, she makes noise and moves, so she's worthy of his obsession. It terrifies me, and I spend every evening beyond stressed.

I'm not sure a vet will do this though. Technically, he's never bitten anyone. Without seeing him in action, I don't think a vet would believe the laundry list of problems he has.

Sadly enough, this is the first thing on my to-do list once school is out. Maybe sooner.

This Kid

I promised pictures of our beautiful daughter ages ago. So here they are! We'll start with a picture of Cate a few hours old.

Here she is a few minutes after being home. The dress she's in is the one I wore home from the hospital. I love this picture because she looks so small compared to now.


This is Cate laying next to my very old teddy bear.


A few days old. :)

Sleepy baby.

Holding her head up. She looked so confused.

One of my favorite pictures. She loooooves bathtime.

She's not terribly fond of the giant flowers, but they're so cute on her.

She gets this furtive look on her face, like she's plotting something. Love it.

Finally caught a smile on camera. I really had to work for it. Usually when I try to get one, she sticks her hand in her mouth. I think she does it on purpose.

I so love this kid. I think she's amazing. She is the most beautiful child ever. She only cries when she's super hungry. It cracks me up because she's started sticking out her bottom lip in the classic pout when she does. She also says "waaa" when she cries, which always makes me want to go "waaa" back at her. She has a fake cry she uses when she doesn't want to be alone. She is probably spoiled. Most nights (almost all) she sleeps through the night. She wakes up when she hears us up and moving around, which means during the week she wakes up between 5 and 6 and on the weekend she sleeps till 8. She's cool like that. Her favorite song is "Dancing Queen". I was watching Glee last week and when they sang that song, she turned and looked at the TV with a smile on her face. I sang it to her again after it was over, and she grinned at me the whole time. She loves it every time I sing it. (FYI, I despise AB.BA, but I'll sing it for her.) I could seriously go on and on, but I'll stop.

Hurt

Something was said to me this weekend that was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said to me.

It physically hurts me. I feel like there is a hole in my chest, like I was punched. The words hurt that much.

I won't mention who said them or what they were, but they hurt.

Now I feel like I'm second-guessing everything I say or do. I'm afraid to talk, but I'm afraid not to. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing.

I know this isn't making much sense. I'm sorry.

I think I need an anti-depressant.

My Mom

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this before, but my mom is amazing. I've always thought so, but having Cate really brought it home for me.

I really can't imagine what would have happened that first week home from the hospital without her. I think I might have just sat on the couch and cried.

There's so much I want to say about her, but I'd fill up the internet, I think.

My mom is strong and smart and beautiful, and I am so grateful she's my mom. I hope I'm just like her when I grow up.

Mom, if you're reading this, Happy Mother's Day, and I love you.

Heigh Ho, Heigh ho...

Today was my first day back to work.


Boy, was it hard.


My mom took the day off to watch Cate, since my scheduled babysitter (my little brother) had an interview today. (He just graduated with a Master's in mechanical engineering.)


I was a basket case. I had to force myself to leave, and still wound up leaving 15 minutes later than usual. Jeff stopped me at the door and asked if I was going to be all right, which just made me tear up.


I had tears in my eyes before I got out of the driveway. I spent the entire 30-minute drive to work taking deep breaths to keep from bawling. I managed to make it all the way to my classroom and actually was getting a little bit done when one of my team members walked in and asked how I was. I tried smiling at her, and wound up crying instead.


It seemed like everyone at the school said "Hey, welcome back. How you holding up?"

Everytime someone asked me that, I wanted to cry. I'd have been much better off if no one talked to me.


Luckily, my class was awesome. They said they really missed me, and I could tell they were really working hard to make sure I was having a good day. It did get easier to be away from Cate as the day went on, but I know tomorrow is going to be just as hard. Mostly because, as much as I love my little brother, leaving Cate with him is not the same as leaving her with my mom. He's going to get a text from me every 15 minutes.


27 more days.