Results and such

Well, here they are:

SA: None. Again.

Blood work: AZFC chromosomal defect. Doesn't do much except effect fertility.

Final results: Crappy.

Dr. B. told us that, should we like to try, for us there's up to a 30% chance we might find some very fragile sperm with a biopsy, but if that sperm resulted in a male child, he would inherit the AZFC. We have decided not go to that route. It's way too much money for such a small chance of working.

I'm still grieving. I didn't just want a baby. I wanted my husband's baby. I wanted a baby with his blue eyes and curly hair and sense of humor. I wasn't ready to let that baby go. I admit, I'm a little bit jealous of the women who, despite all IF troubles, are still using their own eggs and their husband's sperm. But then, as far as we know, I can get pregnant without a problem.

So now, we're sitting here at a fork in the road that I never imagined. Adoption or IUI, using donor sperm. After the new year, we're going to start trying to find an RE, run some more tests on me, just to make sure everything really is working right before we start dropping thousands of dollars on procedures not covered by insurance. We're also going to talk to some adoption lawyers, agencies, and go to a CPS interest meeting for adopting out of foster care.

For now, we're just bracing ourselves to make it through Christmas. Outside of my parents and my little brother, my family has no idea, so we'll tell them while staring at my pregnant cousin. The we'll head to Kansas, where is family has been told, at least. But I swear, if anyone says anything besides "I'm sorry to hear that. I'll pray for you." I might slap them. I can't handle any "well, just adopt" or "relax, it'll happen" or anything along those lines. Right now, I can't handle any overly optimistic statements. I just want hugs.

bad...

We got preliminary test results today. It's not hormonal, it's genetic. We won't know more until we meed with Dr. B on Tuesday, but there's nothing he can tell us except that our dream of having our own children that look like both of us will never come true.

Fears, Doubts, and Nightmares

I had a nightmare. One of my worst.

I dreamed someone gave me a baby to take care of. A boy, named Michael.

And I forgot about him... Every once in a while, I would remember that there was a baby upstairs that I needed to take care of. So I would go hunt and find him under the crib or the couch. But I would put him down and go off and do something else.

Then, at some point, it dawned on me that THERE WAS A BABY in the house!

I ran upstairs, freaking out that this poor baby had been so neglected under my care. I found him, picked him up, and realized that there was nothing in the house for him to eat except 1 jar of baby food, which of course he couldn't eat as a newborn. So I made up my mind to take him to the nearest superstore for some food and another set of clothes, when I realized I didn't have a way to take him with me. No baby carrier. I sat and cried in my dream because I couldn't decide which was worse: to continue to let him starve, or put him in more danger by driving to the store with him laying in the passenger seat.

Thankfully, I woke up. But I've been plagued with "What-if's" ever since.

What if the dream was a message?
What if IF has happened because I would actually be a terrible mother?

What if IF has happened because, despite my desire to have kids, I've never looked forward to pregnancy?
What if IF has happened because I joked too many times about another man with straight hair fathering my children?
What if IF has happened because deep in the back of my mind, I hoped my babies wouldn't inherit my husband's dark eye circles?
What if I am too shallow to be a mother, because of these thoughts?

What if I just don't deserve children?
What if I never have children?
What if...
What if...
What if...

Well, you don't have kids....

DH and I just got back from my faculty Christmas party. I really love most of the fabulous people I work with, but tonight really stretched me to my limits.

It started with my comment about the bow on top of the Christmas tree, and how I'd tried to make one myself and it wound up taking me hours. That was returned by "well, when you have kids, decorating the tree will be a whole different experience."

NO! REALLY!?!?!?

Then, someone asked us how the new house was. We said we loved it and really enjoyed the extra space. She replied with "well, you don't have kids, so I guess you have extra space."

Yes, thank you for pointing out to us we don't have kids. We might not have known that on our own.

Finally, we were talking to a group around the margarita machine, and someone commented that (jokingly) that we must drink a lot not to notice how strong the margaritas were. Someone else piped up with "Well, you don't have kids, so you dont' know what it's like to not go out drinking."

OMG! WE DON'T HAVE KIDS!?!?! THEN WHY THE F*&% DID WE HIRE A BABYSITTER!?!?!?

I'm so grateful we only have one more party to go to, and it's with women who know what's going on.

Nerves

11 days until DH's appt. w/the male fertility specialist. 5 days until his appt. w/a urologist for a reason completely unrelated to infertility, but whom he will discuss it with anyway. I think I may be more nervous than he is!

I am pretty optimistic about the DR appt. Only because the odds of it being the XXY karyotype with no symptoms are sooo small. And because if the hormone pill affects (effects? can't ever remember) his sperm a fraction as much as it does his emotions, we'll be in the billions.

DH, on the other hand, doesn't think it's going to be either. He's convinced there's not going to be a reason for it. I'm probably overly-optimistic, but I think surely he's lacking in the optimism department.

I've started getting warnings at work on my computer that tell me my internet usage is being monitored. Great. Now the district nows I spend every spare second researching azoospermia, infertility treatments, adoption, and insanity (cause that's where I'm heading!) I guess if they've got a problem with it, they ought to offer IF treatments on their insurance. I might be a little less crazy if I knew how we were going to pay for all this.

On the bright side, there are only 6 days until Christmas break!

Bad idea

I did a dumb thing today, then magnified it by taking DH with me. I went shopping for kid's stuff.

Every year, my school has an angel tree for some of the lower income schools in the district. Parents and teachers are invited to take an angel and buy Christmas presents. I absolutely LOVE doing this. I think it's wonderful. I picked a boy and girl before thanksgiving, and decided to buy their presents while DH and I were out running errands.

We hit the kid's clothes section first. A couple shirts and some pants for the girl, then on to the boy's. DH had so much fun picking out the stuff for the boy. He kept coming up and asking "What about this one? Do you think he'd like this one?" He picked it all. We finished and headed to the toy section to find a soccer ball, and I realized that DH hadn't said a word since we left the clothes. And I know exactly what was bothering him.

We were both so sure that this year, we'd be buying Christmas presents for our own child, instead of someone else's.

15 days until the DR appt.

There it is again

That sense of dread is back. You know the one. That settles in the bottom of your stomach. The one that takes sudden control of your ability to smile, laugh, and even talk. It's back. With a vengance.

I was doing ok. (Won't say great, or even good. Wasn't doing that well.) But I was ok. Then, last night, it hit me again. DH and I were laying in bed, talking about stupid stuff, and then all of a sudden, we weren't. We were talking about the Doc. appt. It's in 19 days. 19! That is going to fly by, and I am soooo scared. Thankfully, my DH is a wonderful man, who knows I really, really suck at finding things. So he's taken on the brunt of the research about low hormone levels and XXY karyotype. Bless him.

He told me that the genetic one is very unlikely, since he shows NONE of the symptoms. Great news, hopefully he's right. (He does like to do things the hard way...) He said the hormone pills take a few months, but he said if there's even a couple little spermies in his next SA, it's a good sign.

But what if it's neither? What if we go in, and Dr. B has no clue? What if he tells us it's just "one of those things"? Or what if it's something worse we've never even considered?

And then, of course, as bad as not knowing is, I'm afraid knowing will be worse. If it's bad news, knowing will be worse. The dread will eat me alive.

just a little rant

I am being a terrible teacher this morning. My students are making Christmas paper chains with spelling words instead of actual work. That's so I can vent a bit about two things that are bothering me.

#1: I was reading the school newspaper published at my husband's school. The cover had a blown-up picture of a sonogram. The headline article was an interview with a 15 year old pregnant with twins. (No surprise there, it's Texas.) But in the interview, the girl said "It only takes one time." Does it? Does it really? Well, thanks for clearing that up! I'll go and just do it once!

#2: I work with a woman who has been trying to get pregnant since this summer. (5 months) She is very upset that she's not pregnant yet, and thinks she fully understands what I'm going through. This really bothers me. I feel selfish thinking I'm going through hell after 15 months when some couples have been struggling for years. In all likelyhood, she'll be pregnant by summer vacation and forget she ever worried.

In completely unrelated news, the author of one of the blogs I follow has had something go wrong with her adoption. Please pray for her.