This post is part of Project IF.
*Note: I have been working on this for days, so I'm sorry if it's disjointed or I'm rambling.
In the last six months, ever since we landed on this awful Infertile Island, there have only been about a million "What IFs" running through my head. They range from the silly:
OMG! What if the sperm donor has crazy messed-up eyebrows like the dude at the Chinese buffet last night? What if my children have crazy messed-up eyebrows like that?
to the serious:
What if there are problems with me too? It's beginning to look like there are. What if picking a donor wasn't the hardest part? What if I have to accept that both of us are infertile?
But there are two major "What IFs" that I keep coming back to. Two that plague me, that keep me awake at night, that keep me from following conversations and laughing at jokes. And because I can't get either of them to stop tearing through my mind, I'll explore both of them. The first one is easier for me to write about. The second one I have no words for, but I will try to find some.
WHAT IF infertility changes who I am?
The name I write my blog under is OnceIWas. You see, I was a super hero once.
That's right. Once, I was invincible. Once, I was ready to take on the world.
Once, I was confident. I was happy. I was goofy. I was laid-back and un-shakeable. I wasn't the kind of person to get worked up over anything.
I miss that person.
What IF I am stuck as this bitter, angry, jealous, depressed person? What IF I never go back to the way I was? What IF I spend the rest of my life constantly jealous of fertile couples? What IF every pregnancy announcement and growing baby bump brings back my anger towards God; towards life? What IF I can never do anything without this cloud of worry hanging over me? What IF, because of infertility, I am a shadow of who I used to be?
Now the hard one:
WHAT IF my husband wants to stop before I'm ready?
This particular fear of mine didn't actually occur to me until last Thursday. We had already gone from our RE thinking that I would get pregnant with no problems to him thinking that I wasn't going to ovulate on my own. We watched our unmedicated cycle triple in price as we added medicine and a trigger shot. Then, on Thursday afternoon, we were told by the doctor that the medicine wasn't doing the trick, and we would need to move on to injectables, which again tripled our costs. The first words out of my husband's mouth were "Sounds like it's time to look at adoption." I am fine with adoption, but all it took was one cycle that didn't work, and he was ready to stop everything.
That's just the way his brain operates. He has a budget and a time frame for everything. But, What IF his budget and time frame don't match mine?
There's one very important fact I've left out that makes this WHAT IF seem a little more imminent, and a little more real. To my 26 year old mind, we still have plenty of time. To my husband's 43 year old mind, we have less than 2 years. 45 is the age most adoption agencies seem to make the cut off. If we can't get pregnant, we'd like to adopt. But it would have to be in the next couple years. And, at this point, if we had a child in the next couple years, my husband would be in his 60's by the time the kid graduates.
My dreams of four children are gone. I know that. I know that right now, we'll be lucky to have one. But, What IF he wants to stop before that? What IF, at the age of 43 or 44 or 45, he decides he's done? What on Earth will I do then?
It's hard to think of any positive What IFs, but here are a few:
What IF this is all just a bad dream? (HA)
What IF it turns out I was just too stressed, and this month off gets everything back to normal, and we don't have to pay truckloads of money for each and every cycle?
What IF I get pregnant this summer?
What IF I have a beautiful baby next year?
What IF everything works out as it should, and all of my current fears become laughable?
What IF my sperm donor looks like Colin Firth, and I have gorgeous babies? (I still have a little goof-ball in me, I guess)
If you're new here, or just aren't sure what Project IF is:
For a basic understanding of infertility, click here.
To learn more about NIAW, click here.
To see Part One of Project IF, click here. I'm in there somewhere.
Showing posts with label male infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label male infertility. Show all posts
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
God Never Gives You More Than You Can Handle
Dear God,
I appreciate your faith in me, even though I don't always have that much faith in you. I am grateful that you think that I have strength. But God? I don't particularly want to be this strong. Truth be told, I don't want to at all. And I don't think I am. This is changing me Lord, in a way I don't like to see. I used to be level-headed, laid-back, happy. Now, I worry all the time, cry at the smallest things, and am truly afraid I have hit a level of depression I can't handle on my own. I feel like I use all the strength I have trying to be strong in front of other people. It takes all my energy to be optimistic for my husband, to be cheerful for my students, to be calm for my mom. There's nothing left for me. I am left scared and defeated.
If you don't mind, I would really appreciate it if you could stop testing me, just for a little while. I'm not asking for a miracle. Just a break. Thanks.
Love,
Julie
I appreciate your faith in me, even though I don't always have that much faith in you. I am grateful that you think that I have strength. But God? I don't particularly want to be this strong. Truth be told, I don't want to at all. And I don't think I am. This is changing me Lord, in a way I don't like to see. I used to be level-headed, laid-back, happy. Now, I worry all the time, cry at the smallest things, and am truly afraid I have hit a level of depression I can't handle on my own. I feel like I use all the strength I have trying to be strong in front of other people. It takes all my energy to be optimistic for my husband, to be cheerful for my students, to be calm for my mom. There's nothing left for me. I am left scared and defeated.
If you don't mind, I would really appreciate it if you could stop testing me, just for a little while. I'm not asking for a miracle. Just a break. Thanks.
Love,
Julie
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Nerves
11 days until DH's appt. w/the male fertility specialist. 5 days until his appt. w/a urologist for a reason completely unrelated to infertility, but whom he will discuss it with anyway. I think I may be more nervous than he is!
I am pretty optimistic about the DR appt. Only because the odds of it being the XXY karyotype with no symptoms are sooo small. And because if the hormone pill affects (effects? can't ever remember) his sperm a fraction as much as it does his emotions, we'll be in the billions.
DH, on the other hand, doesn't think it's going to be either. He's convinced there's not going to be a reason for it. I'm probably overly-optimistic, but I think surely he's lacking in the optimism department.
I've started getting warnings at work on my computer that tell me my internet usage is being monitored. Great. Now the district nows I spend every spare second researching azoospermia, infertility treatments, adoption, and insanity (cause that's where I'm heading!) I guess if they've got a problem with it, they ought to offer IF treatments on their insurance. I might be a little less crazy if I knew how we were going to pay for all this.
On the bright side, there are only 6 days until Christmas break!
I am pretty optimistic about the DR appt. Only because the odds of it being the XXY karyotype with no symptoms are sooo small. And because if the hormone pill affects (effects? can't ever remember) his sperm a fraction as much as it does his emotions, we'll be in the billions.
DH, on the other hand, doesn't think it's going to be either. He's convinced there's not going to be a reason for it. I'm probably overly-optimistic, but I think surely he's lacking in the optimism department.
I've started getting warnings at work on my computer that tell me my internet usage is being monitored. Great. Now the district nows I spend every spare second researching azoospermia, infertility treatments, adoption, and insanity (cause that's where I'm heading!) I guess if they've got a problem with it, they ought to offer IF treatments on their insurance. I might be a little less crazy if I knew how we were going to pay for all this.
On the bright side, there are only 6 days until Christmas break!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
There it is again
That sense of dread is back. You know the one. That settles in the bottom of your stomach. The one that takes sudden control of your ability to smile, laugh, and even talk. It's back. With a vengance.
I was doing ok. (Won't say great, or even good. Wasn't doing that well.) But I was ok. Then, last night, it hit me again. DH and I were laying in bed, talking about stupid stuff, and then all of a sudden, we weren't. We were talking about the Doc. appt. It's in 19 days. 19! That is going to fly by, and I am soooo scared. Thankfully, my DH is a wonderful man, who knows I really, really suck at finding things. So he's taken on the brunt of the research about low hormone levels and XXY karyotype. Bless him.
He told me that the genetic one is very unlikely, since he shows NONE of the symptoms. Great news, hopefully he's right. (He does like to do things the hard way...) He said the hormone pills take a few months, but he said if there's even a couple little spermies in his next SA, it's a good sign.
But what if it's neither? What if we go in, and Dr. B has no clue? What if he tells us it's just "one of those things"? Or what if it's something worse we've never even considered?
And then, of course, as bad as not knowing is, I'm afraid knowing will be worse. If it's bad news, knowing will be worse. The dread will eat me alive.
I was doing ok. (Won't say great, or even good. Wasn't doing that well.) But I was ok. Then, last night, it hit me again. DH and I were laying in bed, talking about stupid stuff, and then all of a sudden, we weren't. We were talking about the Doc. appt. It's in 19 days. 19! That is going to fly by, and I am soooo scared. Thankfully, my DH is a wonderful man, who knows I really, really suck at finding things. So he's taken on the brunt of the research about low hormone levels and XXY karyotype. Bless him.
He told me that the genetic one is very unlikely, since he shows NONE of the symptoms. Great news, hopefully he's right. (He does like to do things the hard way...) He said the hormone pills take a few months, but he said if there's even a couple little spermies in his next SA, it's a good sign.
But what if it's neither? What if we go in, and Dr. B has no clue? What if he tells us it's just "one of those things"? Or what if it's something worse we've never even considered?
And then, of course, as bad as not knowing is, I'm afraid knowing will be worse. If it's bad news, knowing will be worse. The dread will eat me alive.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
just a little rant
I am being a terrible teacher this morning. My students are making Christmas paper chains with spelling words instead of actual work. That's so I can vent a bit about two things that are bothering me.
#1: I was reading the school newspaper published at my husband's school. The cover had a blown-up picture of a sonogram. The headline article was an interview with a 15 year old pregnant with twins. (No surprise there, it's Texas.) But in the interview, the girl said "It only takes one time." Does it? Does it really? Well, thanks for clearing that up! I'll go and just do it once!
#2: I work with a woman who has been trying to get pregnant since this summer. (5 months) She is very upset that she's not pregnant yet, and thinks she fully understands what I'm going through. This really bothers me. I feel selfish thinking I'm going through hell after 15 months when some couples have been struggling for years. In all likelyhood, she'll be pregnant by summer vacation and forget she ever worried.
In completely unrelated news, the author of one of the blogs I follow has had something go wrong with her adoption. Please pray for her.
#1: I was reading the school newspaper published at my husband's school. The cover had a blown-up picture of a sonogram. The headline article was an interview with a 15 year old pregnant with twins. (No surprise there, it's Texas.) But in the interview, the girl said "It only takes one time." Does it? Does it really? Well, thanks for clearing that up! I'll go and just do it once!
#2: I work with a woman who has been trying to get pregnant since this summer. (5 months) She is very upset that she's not pregnant yet, and thinks she fully understands what I'm going through. This really bothers me. I feel selfish thinking I'm going through hell after 15 months when some couples have been struggling for years. In all likelyhood, she'll be pregnant by summer vacation and forget she ever worried.
In completely unrelated news, the author of one of the blogs I follow has had something go wrong with her adoption. Please pray for her.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Top 5 things to do with the empty room/ would-be-nursery
I've been thinking a lot about that dark empty bedroom I haven't entered since we moved in. So here are my ideas for it. Maybe some of them will work for you too.
Top 5 things to do with the empty room/ would-be-nursery.
5. Cut a hole in the floor. Install a fireman's pole as an alternate way to get downstairs.
4. Use the room to proudly display the collection of ____________ you've been so embarassed about. (Fill in the blank with collection of your choice: salt and pepper shakers, keychains witha message, flashlights...you get the idea.) Be proud!
3. Hang a sex swing from the ceiling. Hey, having sex on a schedule gets boring. Spice it up!
2. Turn the room into stalker headquarters. Pick a famous celebrity. Plaster the walls with pictures and articles and handwritten notes. Then buy a giant map and hang it over the window. Now, plot your route for surprising, meeting, and initiating life-long friendship with said celebrity. Fun, right?
1. Start your own Public Service Announcement business. Come up with catchy slogans like "Big hair won't get you there" or "A baby picture a day makes your neighbors sick". Print them on bumper stickers, keychains, salt and pepper shakers, and full-sized posters. Be sure to add eye-catching pictures. Sell them online, and use the profits to send free ones to those who really need them. Time's Person-of-the-Year, here you come!
Top 5 things to do with the empty room/ would-be-nursery.
5. Cut a hole in the floor. Install a fireman's pole as an alternate way to get downstairs.
4. Use the room to proudly display the collection of ____________ you've been so embarassed about. (Fill in the blank with collection of your choice: salt and pepper shakers, keychains witha message, flashlights...you get the idea.) Be proud!
3. Hang a sex swing from the ceiling. Hey, having sex on a schedule gets boring. Spice it up!
2. Turn the room into stalker headquarters. Pick a famous celebrity. Plaster the walls with pictures and articles and handwritten notes. Then buy a giant map and hang it over the window. Now, plot your route for surprising, meeting, and initiating life-long friendship with said celebrity. Fun, right?
1. Start your own Public Service Announcement business. Come up with catchy slogans like "Big hair won't get you there" or "A baby picture a day makes your neighbors sick". Print them on bumper stickers, keychains, salt and pepper shakers, and full-sized posters. Be sure to add eye-catching pictures. Sell them online, and use the profits to send free ones to those who really need them. Time's Person-of-the-Year, here you come!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
getting there...
We have 24 days until our next doctor appointment. This appointment will either:
A: (this would be the good one) Tell us that, miraculously, it was a hormone problem, and all the suffering DH has gone through with the crazy hormone pills was worth it, and he now has millions of sperm!
or
B: That it was not a hormone problem. It is a genetic problem, and there's nothing we can do.
Bet you can guess which option I'm praying for.
DH is not liking the hormone pills. It's an estrogen supressor, so it causes hot flashes, mood swings, and stomach problems. Poor guy. Maybe it will be worth it though.
DH finally worked up the guts to look at the sperm donation website the doctor ordered. The donor site is a little surreal. It felt a little strange to sit and pick qualities of a potential father and then add sperm to cart. (Not that I actually did, but I did spend quite a while on the site.) DH does not seem comfortable with this, to say the least. He is trying to consider it, but he's really struggling. I told him if he doesn't want to go this route, it's fine. We can always adopt. I guess I'll keep praying and try not to stress. Nothing we can do for 24 days but wait and see.
A: (this would be the good one) Tell us that, miraculously, it was a hormone problem, and all the suffering DH has gone through with the crazy hormone pills was worth it, and he now has millions of sperm!
or
B: That it was not a hormone problem. It is a genetic problem, and there's nothing we can do.
Bet you can guess which option I'm praying for.
DH is not liking the hormone pills. It's an estrogen supressor, so it causes hot flashes, mood swings, and stomach problems. Poor guy. Maybe it will be worth it though.
DH finally worked up the guts to look at the sperm donation website the doctor ordered. The donor site is a little surreal. It felt a little strange to sit and pick qualities of a potential father and then add sperm to cart. (Not that I actually did, but I did spend quite a while on the site.) DH does not seem comfortable with this, to say the least. He is trying to consider it, but he's really struggling. I told him if he doesn't want to go this route, it's fine. We can always adopt. I guess I'll keep praying and try not to stress. Nothing we can do for 24 days but wait and see.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Optimism...
is for those with easy lives.
When DH and I started TTC 15 months ago, I was sure that by this time this year, we would be showing off an adorable baby to family and friends. I would be spending Thanksgiving with our angel, skipping Black Friday in favor of hanging out my baby.
When summer rolled around and I still wasn't pregnant, I wasn't worried. We're both teachers, and I figured we had the whole summer to do nothing but, well, you know. I was sure that by the time the holidays rolled around, we'd be decorating a nursery in the new house, and I would be one of those adorable pregnant women walking around the grocery store doing last minute shopping. I was sure I would be poring over the Black Friday sales papers, looking for goodies for my baby.
Now?
I'm not sure I'll ever be pregnant. I'm not sure we'll ever have a baby. The road before us looks terrifying. It's full of potholes, boulders, and sheer drop-offs. And I have no idea how to navigate it. I have no idea if what's supposed to carry us through together will make it. And I'm so scared.
When DH and I started TTC 15 months ago, I was sure that by this time this year, we would be showing off an adorable baby to family and friends. I would be spending Thanksgiving with our angel, skipping Black Friday in favor of hanging out my baby.
When summer rolled around and I still wasn't pregnant, I wasn't worried. We're both teachers, and I figured we had the whole summer to do nothing but, well, you know. I was sure that by the time the holidays rolled around, we'd be decorating a nursery in the new house, and I would be one of those adorable pregnant women walking around the grocery store doing last minute shopping. I was sure I would be poring over the Black Friday sales papers, looking for goodies for my baby.
Now?
I'm not sure I'll ever be pregnant. I'm not sure we'll ever have a baby. The road before us looks terrifying. It's full of potholes, boulders, and sheer drop-offs. And I have no idea how to navigate it. I have no idea if what's supposed to carry us through together will make it. And I'm so scared.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Infertility
Infertile: a couple who has had unprotected intercourse for at least one year without conceiving.
This is the definition, as stated in the handout we received at DH's doctor appt. this morning. Official results?
Varicoceles, a cyst, and probably NOA. In layman's terms, despite the varicoceles, Dr. B. says he thinks it is not a blockage problem, but hormonal or genetic. He put DH on some hormone pills, sent him off to do bloodwork for both hormones and genetics, and told us to come back in a month, with a sperm-in-a-cup for testing. Thanks doc. That's JUST what I wanted to do right before Christmas. Everyone loves bad news for the holidays.
Please excuse my sarcasm and my lack of optimism. But it's hard to be optimistic when even the doctor thinks it's grim.
Dr. B. also talked to us about AI with donor sperm and adoption. He very bluntly (and harshly, I think) told us that since DH is over 40, we will be at the back of the domestic adoption line. I don't want to believe this and need to do more research, but I really stink at finding things. If anyone has suggestions of where to look for useful adoption information, I would appreciate it.
Again, I think it will take a while before the seriousness of this begins to sink in. Right now, my concern is all for DH, who is not taking it well. He keeps apologizing. He believes that somehow it's his fault. It's not. I know it isn't. I guess right now, the problem is convincing him.
This is the definition, as stated in the handout we received at DH's doctor appt. this morning. Official results?
Varicoceles, a cyst, and probably NOA. In layman's terms, despite the varicoceles, Dr. B. says he thinks it is not a blockage problem, but hormonal or genetic. He put DH on some hormone pills, sent him off to do bloodwork for both hormones and genetics, and told us to come back in a month, with a sperm-in-a-cup for testing. Thanks doc. That's JUST what I wanted to do right before Christmas. Everyone loves bad news for the holidays.
Please excuse my sarcasm and my lack of optimism. But it's hard to be optimistic when even the doctor thinks it's grim.
Dr. B. also talked to us about AI with donor sperm and adoption. He very bluntly (and harshly, I think) told us that since DH is over 40, we will be at the back of the domestic adoption line. I don't want to believe this and need to do more research, but I really stink at finding things. If anyone has suggestions of where to look for useful adoption information, I would appreciate it.
Again, I think it will take a while before the seriousness of this begins to sink in. Right now, my concern is all for DH, who is not taking it well. He keeps apologizing. He believes that somehow it's his fault. It's not. I know it isn't. I guess right now, the problem is convincing him.
Monday, November 23, 2009
What a day.
DH and I had a long talk last night about our doc appointment tomorrow. We're both extremely nervous, but I found out neither of us really expect good news. It really seems like we're going instead to have a doctor confirm our worst fears face to face. Lovely.
We talked about what we think our next step will be. Since neither of us really think that "fixing" whatever the problem ultimately turns out to be is feasible or even possible, we talked about donor sperm and adoption.
DH is leaning toward adoption. He didn't say it, but I think (and please excuse my terminology on this) he feels uncomfortable with the idea of a child that is genetically mine and another man's. I think he is more comfortable with a child that, genetically, belongs to neither of us. I'm OK with this, I guess, but it hurts to think I might never be pregnant.
On the bright side, my boobs may never sag! :)
I cried this morning reading adoption blogs on The Stirrup Queen's blogroll. I mean, really really cried. Sobbed. Had to go downstairs and find my teddy bear kind of crying. I haven't really lost it since we found out. Don't get me wrong. I have cried every single day for a week and a half, but not like that. After finally stopping, I called my mom to see what she was up to today. Two seconds of talking to her and I was sobbing again.
I thank God for my mom. She had her own fertility issues when trying to get pregnant with me, so understood and just let me cry. Then she took me shopping for Christmas stuff. I talked with her a while about adoption/sperm donations, DH's feelings, and mine. She told me that somewhere, there was a baby that was meant to be mine. She didn't care how it got to me.
I sure hope she's right.
We talked about what we think our next step will be. Since neither of us really think that "fixing" whatever the problem ultimately turns out to be is feasible or even possible, we talked about donor sperm and adoption.
DH is leaning toward adoption. He didn't say it, but I think (and please excuse my terminology on this) he feels uncomfortable with the idea of a child that is genetically mine and another man's. I think he is more comfortable with a child that, genetically, belongs to neither of us. I'm OK with this, I guess, but it hurts to think I might never be pregnant.
On the bright side, my boobs may never sag! :)
I cried this morning reading adoption blogs on The Stirrup Queen's blogroll. I mean, really really cried. Sobbed. Had to go downstairs and find my teddy bear kind of crying. I haven't really lost it since we found out. Don't get me wrong. I have cried every single day for a week and a half, but not like that. After finally stopping, I called my mom to see what she was up to today. Two seconds of talking to her and I was sobbing again.
I thank God for my mom. She had her own fertility issues when trying to get pregnant with me, so understood and just let me cry. Then she took me shopping for Christmas stuff. I talked with her a while about adoption/sperm donations, DH's feelings, and mine. She told me that somewhere, there was a baby that was meant to be mine. She didn't care how it got to me.
I sure hope she's right.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Tell me it gets easier.
Today has been rough. It started this morning with an old friend I haven't seen in a couple years. He asked how the new house was, and I told him that we love it, but that it's much bigger than the old one, and we're still adjusting to all the space. He said,"Well, it's room to grow."
.....................
Yes, friend. I realize it's room to grow. That's why be bought the house. Because it has plenty of room for kids, a nice yard, and a good neighborhood. That's why we bought a 4-door sedan. Because we can fit a carseat in the backseat. And now?
I have this urge to buy a zippy little sportscar with no backseat, and to sell the house and by a condo downtown in a building that has no kids.
Fuck.
I went to a wedding this evening. Thought I'd be fine. It's a wedding, right? I can do weddings. I sat with my co-workers, all of whom left their kids at home. But it seemed like no matter what the conversation, it turned back to their kids, and how wonderful they are, despite the shananegians they pull. I left before the wedding cake was cut.
I realize your children are wonderful. I'm sure I would be the same way. But is that really the only thing we can talk about? What about the weather? Texas Tech? New Moon? ANYTHING.
.....................
Yes, friend. I realize it's room to grow. That's why be bought the house. Because it has plenty of room for kids, a nice yard, and a good neighborhood. That's why we bought a 4-door sedan. Because we can fit a carseat in the backseat. And now?
I have this urge to buy a zippy little sportscar with no backseat, and to sell the house and by a condo downtown in a building that has no kids.
Fuck.
I went to a wedding this evening. Thought I'd be fine. It's a wedding, right? I can do weddings. I sat with my co-workers, all of whom left their kids at home. But it seemed like no matter what the conversation, it turned back to their kids, and how wonderful they are, despite the shananegians they pull. I left before the wedding cake was cut.
I realize your children are wonderful. I'm sure I would be the same way. But is that really the only thing we can talk about? What about the weather? Texas Tech? New Moon? ANYTHING.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Thanks, I think
I have spent the day reading blogs written by women who either are infertile themselves, or who are dealing with their husbands' infertility. On the one hand, it has been SO comforting to hear that other people are going through it too. It's good to know we're not alone.
On the other hand, the more reading I do, the closer that dark cloud gets to me. It takes so long for this crap. Any of it. Let me explain, since that's not exactly coherent. All of these women have been trying to get pregnant for years. They've had tests, their husbands have had tests, they've had IUI'S and IVF's, adoptions fall through, and countless other very time consuming process. And I can see time stretching out in front of me, endless and dark. I'm 25. I have all the time in the world to have a child. It's not me. But the DH is 42. He doesn't have time to wait. At this point, if we have a child in the next three years, he'll be in his sixties when the kid graduates high school.
Never has the age difference between my DH and myself bothered me. It's usually nothing. We suit each other like macaroni and cheese. Now, for the first time, it's an issue. I read these other blogs, and I see women my age going through the same thing, but their husbands are my age too. And I know my DH. He will hit a point where he thinks his time has passed, and give up.
Then what? Do I face a childless future? I have always wanted children. Lots of them. Now, I feel like I'll be lucky if I have one.
In other news, I am getting more and more nervous as DH's doctor's appointment approaches next week. It's four days away. Part of me is hoping the doctor will just tell us that there's nothing to do except find a sperm donor or adopt. I am so terrified that we will start spending all this money on procedures that have less than a 20% chance of working. And even if they do work, what if it turns out there's something wrong with me too?
I'm not sure I can handle this.
On the other hand, the more reading I do, the closer that dark cloud gets to me. It takes so long for this crap. Any of it. Let me explain, since that's not exactly coherent. All of these women have been trying to get pregnant for years. They've had tests, their husbands have had tests, they've had IUI'S and IVF's, adoptions fall through, and countless other very time consuming process. And I can see time stretching out in front of me, endless and dark. I'm 25. I have all the time in the world to have a child. It's not me. But the DH is 42. He doesn't have time to wait. At this point, if we have a child in the next three years, he'll be in his sixties when the kid graduates high school.
Never has the age difference between my DH and myself bothered me. It's usually nothing. We suit each other like macaroni and cheese. Now, for the first time, it's an issue. I read these other blogs, and I see women my age going through the same thing, but their husbands are my age too. And I know my DH. He will hit a point where he thinks his time has passed, and give up.
Then what? Do I face a childless future? I have always wanted children. Lots of them. Now, I feel like I'll be lucky if I have one.
In other news, I am getting more and more nervous as DH's doctor's appointment approaches next week. It's four days away. Part of me is hoping the doctor will just tell us that there's nothing to do except find a sperm donor or adopt. I am so terrified that we will start spending all this money on procedures that have less than a 20% chance of working. And even if they do work, what if it turns out there's something wrong with me too?
I'm not sure I can handle this.
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