Positivity and Doubts

First off, I'd like you to see what I woke up to this morning:



Yes, that's the new puppy, in his new crate, after having spent all night destroying the new pillow he was supposed to sleep in. Little bugger managed to tear the zipper pull off, rip the zipper open, and pull out the stuffing that way.

Tonight, he's sleeping on a towel.

Now, onto the real reason for this post. Thanks to Dory over at Just Keep Swimming, I'm trying really hard to be positive. So, at lunch, I gave Jeff a list of all the reasons I think I might be pregnant this time around. 1. My acne has gone haywire. It's bad at the best of times (thanks to my Dad's side of the family), but it has gone nuts the past week. It's too soon for it to be PMS acne, ergo: it must be pregnancy acne. (I'm very logical...ha). 2. Cramps. Not the normal, on the side, PMS-y cramps, but massive, hurts-to-stand middle of my stomach below my belly button cramps. They were the worst on Wednesday, but I'm still feeling them on and off. Again, too early to be PMS. 3. I'm sleeping like crap. I actually don't know how this points to me being preggers, but I am usually a champion sleeper.

Unfortunately, tonight all that optimism has gone out the window. I'm convinced the acne is just getting gradually worse anyway, the cramps are PMS cramps, just early, the sleep is because of the puppy. Also, I'm beginning to have the awful mood swings that always accompany PMS for me.

Still a week until I can test. It's soooooo far away. Oh yeah, and I had my progesterone test yesterday: 41!

Follies!

Went to see Dr. Wiz today to see if the 150 mg of Clo.mid did any good.

He looked at my lining first. It is 7.3 mm, which he said is a little thin but not bad. Then, he checked the ovaries.

I have 4 (4!) follicles. One at 17 mm, 2 at 18mm, and 1 at 20mm. He was stunned. He said he hasn't seen someone react to Clo.mid that well in a long time. (And he thought I needed injectables.) He said we're now at risk for multiples, but we are moving full steam ahead! I take my Ovi.drel shot tonight at 6, and we go in tomorrow afternoon for the IUI. I'm so excited.

Keep us in your prayers!

Oh, and once again, he didn't know we were using donor sp.erm. He asked us how motility was. Way to keep up the jerk trend, Dr. Wiz.

Courage

Next time I visit the Wiz, hopefully he'll give me a brain and a heart, genetically speaking.

Went to see the RE today, who I believe I'll call Dr. Wiz from here on out. He was very optimistic. He said based on my age, history, and "perfect" sonogram that I should have no trouble getting pregnant using DS. Our first try will be next month.

His office does not use known DS, so BIL's offer is off the table. I'm ok with that. I was not looking forward to waiting six months to even try. I'm not sure how DH feels. He deflected the question the one time I asked. So, it's off to the cryobanks for me, to do research until he's ready to look too.

Now, let me ask you wonderful ladies some advice. I want to make sure this all makes sense. Dr. Wiz said that we will try three months of IUI's before stopping to run tests. He's waiting until then to do an HSG, because he says he doesn't think I need one, unless the OPK doesn't do it's job next month. He said there's no reason I shouldn't be pregnant after 3 cycles.

Does all this sound right? It just seems too optimistic. I have to admit, I'm a little scared of optimism.

A Few Things

First off, let me start out with part of the email my husband sent me yesterday:

I decided that I want us to do IUI. Every time I have thought about having a child with you, I have only imagined looking at that child and seeing a part of you. Whether it is your red locks, your smile, your freckles, your love of books, your desire to adopt every animal alive, even that happy dance you do. You are so wonderful I think it would be wrong on so many levels not to see a part of you live on. You mean so much to me, how could I not want more parts of you in my life? In the end this just seems right to me.

So, it looks like we'll be trying IUI. And, it looks like I have the most wonderful husband ever. And, just for the record, I have no idea what happy dance he's talking about...

Funny thing is, he's spent the whole week contacting adoption agencies and lawyers and sending all the information to me. I, on the other hand, found an RE and made my first appointment.

I feel better since we've made a decision. Before, I felt so overwhelmed with all the information and options and questions and fees that just kept piling up. I had no optimism whatsoever. I have a little more now.

On to the next thing: While in Kansas over Christmas, DH and I visited his birth family. We've done this for the past couple years. It's just about the only time we see or talk to them. That might change. He had told them about his azoo diagnosis because he wanted to talk to his R (his half-brother) about the child he recently adopted. And out of the blue, R offered us his sperm.

We were super surprised. I mean, we see them once a year, at most. At first, DH was inclined to to say thanks, but no thanks. But he's been thinking about it, and now we're considering it. DH is considering it cause it would save us tons of money. I'm considering it because DH and R could be twins, and I might have a baby that looks like my husband, instead of a complete stranger. That would be nice.

So, the last thing I want to say is: I would love some advice about the following things:

• Questions I should ask the RE.
• People who have used donor sperm who can tell me about banks, success, etc.
• People who have chosen family donor sperm over a bank.

If you know someone who can tell me anything about any of that, please send them my way. Thanks.

talks, decisions, and being Unsure

I'm not even sure where to begin today. Although I was dreading coming back to school (two weeks just isn't enough!) I was glad that my 20 students would at least take my mind off things. It didn't really work out that way. Instead, DH and I spent the day emailing back and forth about the adoption interest meeting we're attending tonight and the interest form that had to be filled out first. The form itself was easy. The section that said " Describe your family." kind of stumped us. What do you say to that? It had some suggestions, include lifestyle, hobbies, pets. We've been working on it all day, and I still haven't submitted it. I'm so worried that we'll put the wrong information in it, or that we won't put enough in it. And it's tough, since I have no idea how important the initial interest letter really is.

The meeting tonight is for adoption through CPS. We're also looking in to private and agency adoption.

We are leaning more toward adoption than trying IUI. Somewhere in my mind, I thought it would be easier to let go of the idea of being pregnant now than after a few failed IUIs. I think if I hadn't seen my VERY pregnant coworker this afternoon, or ever seen another pregnant woman ever again, I might have held on to this idea. Maybe it's still true. I'm not sure. All I know is that right now, the idea of never being pregnant and giving birth to my own children physically hurts.

There was more I wanted to say, but I just don't have the will to say it now.