Monday, January 4, 2010

talks, decisions, and being Unsure

I'm not even sure where to begin today. Although I was dreading coming back to school (two weeks just isn't enough!) I was glad that my 20 students would at least take my mind off things. It didn't really work out that way. Instead, DH and I spent the day emailing back and forth about the adoption interest meeting we're attending tonight and the interest form that had to be filled out first. The form itself was easy. The section that said " Describe your family." kind of stumped us. What do you say to that? It had some suggestions, include lifestyle, hobbies, pets. We've been working on it all day, and I still haven't submitted it. I'm so worried that we'll put the wrong information in it, or that we won't put enough in it. And it's tough, since I have no idea how important the initial interest letter really is.

The meeting tonight is for adoption through CPS. We're also looking in to private and agency adoption.

We are leaning more toward adoption than trying IUI. Somewhere in my mind, I thought it would be easier to let go of the idea of being pregnant now than after a few failed IUIs. I think if I hadn't seen my VERY pregnant coworker this afternoon, or ever seen another pregnant woman ever again, I might have held on to this idea. Maybe it's still true. I'm not sure. All I know is that right now, the idea of never being pregnant and giving birth to my own children physically hurts.

There was more I wanted to say, but I just don't have the will to say it now.


  1. Hello!

    My name is Elisabeth, and I am an infertility / repeated pregnancy loss "veteran". You can read a little bit about me and my experiences in my blog: . I am completing a PhD in Counseling Psychology, and my dissertation is focused upon the impact of infertility on marriage. I believe strongly that there is a need for better support services for men and women who are undergoing IF diagnosis and treatment, and my hope is that this study will aid in the development of such services.

    I am contacting you after stumbling across your blog. I am recruiting participants for my study, and wanted to invite you and your husband to take part. All that would be involved would be the completion of an online survey, that would take approximately 20 minutes. All couples who complete the surveys will receive a voucher good for a pair of free movie tickets at a Regal Cinemas.

    Please let me know if you are interested by emailing me at .

    Best of luck to you!

    Member of a married, heterosexual couple
    Both you and your spouse are between the ages of 20 – 45
    You do not have any biological or adopted children living in your home
    You are not currently pregnant
    Either you, your spouse, or both has received an infertility diagnosis
    You have received treatment for infertility in the past six months, or plan to do so in the next six months
    Both you and your partner are willing to participate & have access to the internet

  2. Hello. I found your blog through Stirrup Queens. Reading your posts makes my heart hurt. I re-lived all the pain and heartbreak of finding about my DH had Azoo and I have PCOS. We are currently in limbo and not sure how to proceed. We are visiting our 3rd Re on the 20th and considering Donor Sperm from my husband's brother.
    I wish I could tell you it has gotten easier since the diagnosis, the hormone therapy for DH and the additional semen analysis's -- but it hasn't. Some days are really good and some are really bad. This blogging community--while often makes your heart hurt, also brings comfort and understanding. IF sucks. But your not alone. If you ever want to talk, my blog is attached and my email is on the blog.
    Keep your head up, there will be better days.