He had a massive heart attack that night. The last thing I ever said to him was "Goodnight. I love you. I'll see you tomorrow."
This day has always been hard for me, so imagine my surprise (and guilt) when it hit me at 4:00 pm that today was today. I can't believe I didn't realize it sooner. It scares me. I'm afraid I'm forgetting my dad. I don't think about him every day anymore, what happens when I don't think about him every week? What will happen the year I forget about today altogether? What will happen if I forget all the times he told me I was born backwards, because my nose runs and my feet smell? What will happen if I forget the time he held a piece of paper up to my ear and then blew in the other ear and wiggled the paper, to make it seem like he was blowing through my empty head? What will happen if I forget that he used to refuse to give me the Sunday comics because I'd read all the words off of them, and then let me have them first anyway?
I don't want that to happen. So I'll tell you the last blonde joke he told me. (He used to tell me at least one a week. Got them from the mechanics at work.)
So, this blonde went into a superstore and saw a thermos sitting on the shelf. She flagged down an employee and asked what the thing was. He said "Well, ma'am, it's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
"Ohhhhhh". said the blonde. "That's so cool! I need one!" She immediately bought it and ran out.
A few days later, the salesmen walked into a coffee shop and saw the blond sitting there with the thermos in front of her. She was staring at it with absolute joy and anticipation on her face.
"Hey, I see you have your thermos today" he said.
"Oh yes!" she replied. "I couldn't wait to try it out!"
"Well, what do you have in there?" he asked.
wait for it.........
"Two cups of coffee and a scoop of ice cream."
So sorry this is a tough day for you. Sounds like you have great memories of you dad.
ReplyDeleteI'm echoing what Rach said above- really, really sorry that today is tough. You're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIt is so nice to read your memories of your dad. And I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye. Someone once told me that the pain of losing a loved one never goes away, but over time it gets more bearable to live with. As we've been considering DS, I've thought a lot about my dad and the things that made him my dad. My dad used to tell me that I too was built upside down - it was years before I 'got' the joke!
ReplyDeleteI watched O*prah yesterday and Nate B was leaving, he lost his partner in the Tsunami and he was talking to a parent who had lost her son (bear with me..I TALK..LOL) and she was telling him about how certain "Days" make his loss more real, worse, memorable..and he was said to her that on the first bd after he F died, he realized that he wasn't any more sad than he normally was and thought "is there something wrong with me?" but then he said , I realized that I took all the power out of the date, the day, the places and I gave back all the LOVE to F. I missed him EVERY day and the date didn't make it any better or worse.
ReplyDeleteI found this to be profound. For all of us, esp in the midst of IF..I spent YRS dreading the mark of those canceled cycles, those Christmas AFs etc. I think that if we can take the power from the day it helps us to just live with their memory EVERY day and if we don't think about them Every day, it doesn't mean we don't love them.
That said...my dad will be gone 14 yrs this Oct. I don't think of him every day, I don't miss him everyday...but on the days that a song plays and there he is, or a well dressed man smells like him and there he is, or I see my sons do somethng and wish had lived to hold them..sure the tears come, the memories wash over me...that's normal, that's life. You'll NEVER forget your dad..and on days when you realize you didn't think of him, the memory that comes the next day shouldn't be guilt but LOVE.
HUGS SWEETIE!!!
Oh I'm so sorry. -hugs- I don't think you will ever forget those things.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother will be gone seven years this summer and even though I don't think of her every day, nor every week, like I used to, I still remember all the things we did.
They say time heals all wounds. I say pish posh on that. It eventually lessens the pain but the wounds of losing a family member never fully close.
Odd thing - My father, also, died on May 25th but in 1975 when I was two. However, my mother was later, May 25th,1986, when I was 13. I had the same fear often that I was going to forget them. Their smell, their laugh, their jokes, their love but I can tell you from my experience. Once I let go of that fear and sat with myself I could calmly remember way more than I ever thought I could. You are a part of him therefore you can't forget him. Some days he may seem further away than others but he is still there waiting for you. ((Hugs))
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