Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Not What I Expected

First off, I'd just like to say that my AC is out...and it was 95 here today. Suuucks.

I took Cate to the doctor today. She's had a rash/bumps on her face and head for about 2 weeks, and they just kept getting worse and worse. I finally made an appointment today to see if there was anything we could do for her. (I know what's causing them...she's allergic to laundry detergent, so every time someone holds her that doesn't use the same stuff we do, it gets worse.) Dr. M said not to put ANYTHING on it, and it should clear up. But that isn't the point of this post.

The point is, after the appointment I called my bestie to see if she wanted to get together, since I really didn't want to go back to the hot house. We decided to meet at a mall and do a bit of shopping.

The entire time, I wanted to be at home with Cate and Jeff.

Which led me to think about things being pregnant/giving birth/motherhood has changed in me. Some things I expected, some I didn't.

Bigger boobs.
Stretch marks.

Losing the ability to fall asleep. This one is big for me, since I've always been able to close my eyes and sleep, no matter where or when. Now, I lay in bed for an hour with my mind racing, which is not cool since I usually only get 2 1/2 hours of sleep at a time anyway.

Clenching my teeth. I don't know what's up with this one. I'm sitting here doing it right now. I go around like that all day. I realize I'm doing it and I try to stop, but as soon as I stop thinking about it, I start again. I NEVER used to do this.

My fuse has shortened. Even though my hair no longer grows in red, I still have the temper. Usually I have a long fuse, but lately I seem to be angry all the time. No. That's not accurate. I am not at all angry when I'm at home with Cate during the day. But my tolerance for the cat, dogs, and husband has declined massively. It's not fair to them, but I find myself so angry/frustrated with them all the time. I'm trying very hard to control it, but I'm not sure it's working.

I wanted to be home today instead of shopping. To me, this is the one change that concerns me the most. While I'm not an independent person, I am a person who likes my solitude, and likes to "get away" for a while. And today, all I could think about was how much I wanted to take Cate home to Jeff. In fact, if the thunderstorm/tornado warning hadn't kept me at the mall, I'd have left after 20 minutes. The whole drive home, I was so anxious to be home. I could barely stand it. And I realized it's not normal. At least, not for me.

What do you think? Maybe it's just my hormones still out of whack.


  1. It's probably just hormones... a friend of mine told me that she spent weeks after her daughter was born having irrational fears about even going for walks around her neighborhood because she was worried a mugger could jump out at them. It eventually passed and she realized it was just crazy protective hormones. It's also probably a lot easier to care for Cate when you're at home as opposed to the mall... your routine is there with all your 'stuff' and also your 'just in case stuff.' You'll venture back into the world - with a lot more patience - when you're ready! :)

  2. You are a brand new mom so of course you are anxious to be home with your family. That baby will always be in your head no matter what situation you are in, but you eventually CRAVE alone time!

  3. This has been a huge adjustment for you and Jeff and Cate too. I think that you should cut yourself some slack. have you ever hear the concept of the 4th trimester? Where the baby is born, but you basically treat it as it it is still attached to you and lay low at home for three months. I like the concept, and think that you can give yourself permission to listen to all of your instincts, as crazy, or unexpected as they might be. It might take some time to adjust to the new normal, but I have no doubt that you will find your groove.

    I also think that it's worth mentioning baby blues or postpartum depression. The hormonal changes can really knock your socks off! I hope that you will mention these unexpected changes to your doctor so that they can offer you some extra support. (It was the teeth clenching that made me think about this. I do the same thing, and although no one has confirmed this, I am convinced that there is a hormonal connection.)

    Is the breast-feeding getting any easier? I think about you all the time and hope that you are doing well! xoxo

  4. I agree with foxy about mentioning ppd, especially because of the irritability and anxiety and definitely if those are causing you concern. Better safe than sorry! :)
    And teeth grinding is super-annoying isn't it? I do it when I'm sleep-deprived and therefore have less control over my anxiety disorder.
    Sorry for not being more helpful, and I hope that these unexpected changes stop causing you grief.
    (oh, and you have a versatile blogger award on my blog, if you're interested) :)