insert choice four letter word here

AF is 3 days late. 99% of me knows that it's due to stress and anxiety and stress...and stress. But that tiny little 1% says "Hey. Julz. Maybe your pregnant. Maybe the doctor was wrong. Maybe the testosterone shots DH has been taking are working, and now he's actually producing sp.erm...."

I would like to take a hammer and smash that little 1% into dust. It's completely ridiculous. I KNOW I can't get pregnant with my husband's child. I know that he has never, doesn't now, and will never produce sp.erm. I know that.

I know that.

But there's still that tiny little part of me that's hopeful all over again. I wish AF would just come already, so I don't have to feel this way.

I should have known..

Since Dr. Wiz thought I ovulated early this cycle, he wanted to do an FSH test last week and a progesterone test this week. First test came back and said I ovulated. Progesterone test came back and said I didn't.

I should have known. I should have known it was not going to be so easy. I should have known better than to be so positive. It always turns around and bites me.

Now, Dr. Wiz thinks I should be on Clo.mid for my next cycle. But, (and this is a secret!) I can't swallow pills! Does it come in any other form??? I would rather stick myself with a needle than try and swallow a stinking pill.

I will be honest. I am super bummed about this news. I've gone from feeling like anything was possible to feeling like it's never going to happen. I know that I'm overreacting, and that it's really a minor thing, compared to what it could be. But it's another step in the wrong direction.

In a Quandary

Or, as I would tell my 4th graders, in a pickle.

I got an email from my local RESOLVE leader yesterday. Apparently, a new woman wants to come to our next meeting, but she's going through secondary IF, as opposed to the rest of us.

Now, here's my problem. On the one hand, I fully understand the need to have people to talk with. Our group is small but so supportive. I know this woman wants the same thing we all want: a place to vent and cry and rage and question without fear. I understand that.

On the other hand...and I'll admit I feel incredibly selfish and shallow and mean saying this... this woman already has a child. She's already got one! Shouldn't we (those of us who feel like a baby is light years away still) get a first one, before she gets to cry about not having a second?!?!

I actually feel a bit worse admitting that.

Surely that I feel this way makes me a bad person. I keep trying to tell myself that IF SUCKS, no matter what. I keep trying to tell myself that the group supports me, even though as far as we know, IF is all on DH's end, and that I should be able to get pregnant easily. If they can do that, if they can love me, without any trace of jealousy or bitterness, can't I do my best to support a woman who is facing the same crap as the rest of us?

No. I can't. Because at the end of the meeting, she gets to go home to her child. And I don't.

just some updates

First off, Kid should be gone this weekend. He is moving back in with his mother until he turns 18. What he'll do between then and graduation, I don't know.

Secondly, test results came back yesterday and said that I did, in fact, ovulate on Saturday. Wouldn't have mattered anyway, because as of Monday morning, the sp.erm was still sitting on the runway in Virginia. It's here now, chillin' in storage.

I'm still a little worried about this. I still POAS yesterday, and the line still looked like it did on Saturday. Stupid lines. Next month, I'm using digital.

I'm really bummed that we missed this month. I was really looking forward to actually doing something.

Next month, I guess. I'll just pray that everything is actually okay, and not more messed up than anyone thought.

a bit about Kid

In a vain attempt to distract myself from the fact that I may have ovulated way early and completely missed the chance for our first dIUI this month, I've decided to tell you a bit about Kid.

Kid is the 17-year old living with us right now. He is in DH's first period class, and both plays he's directing this semester. Kid was thrown out of his house right after Christmas. For a couple weeks, he stayed on friends' couches, but those ran out. For 4 days, he slept in his car in the school parking lot (in January!). That's when DH heard and offered him a *temporary* place to stay. That was last Monday.

Kid is trying valiantly to get emancipated before he turns 18. It would give him access to housing, medicaid, and welfare. DH is trying valiantly to get him into foster care. That would, in theory, keep Kid in school until he graduates in May. I am trying valiantly to stay neutral.

Kid is in theatre, on the bowling team, in AP classes, and has a part-time job. He's up for a bowling scholarship for a local university if he can just stay in school until May. (I didn't even know universities had bowling teams!)

I worry about Kid. He reminds me a lot of my little brother. Same sense of humor, same mannerisms. They're both self-centered (but then again, are there any 17 or 22 year old boys who aren't?). I'm afraid that if Kid gets put into foster care, it'll be way out of our district, and he'll lose out on his senior year at his school. I'm afraid that if he goes into a group home (another option), he'll lose more than that. I'm afraid that if he stays here, we'll go broke.

DH and I actually talked about Kid staying here until he graduates. It's an option. We have a 4-bedroom house that we were planning on filling with babies. We certainly have the space. Kid could possibly pay us a very small amount in rent and could finish out the year at school. The BIG problem with this is that we're pretty sure this is majorly against district policy. We're not even supposed to give students rides home, much less let them live with us.

CPS, of course, is trying to reunify him with his crazy, alcoholic mother, as that is always their main goal. Kid says he doesn't want to go back there, under any circumstances.

We just don't know what to do. On the one hand, he is polite and helpful. He always calls to let us know he's on his way home from work. He goes to bed when we do, and takes care of his stuff. On the other hand, he is an actor, so I'm not sure if he's really this sincere, or just trying to keep from getting kicked out again. Also, I'm only 26, and not old enough to be foster-anything, except maybe foster-sister. So I look at this in a very different perspective than DH.

And on something only sort-of related:

DH joked about having super sp.erm when we first got married. He has none.

DH joked about adopting a 17-year old after watching "The Blind Side". Now we have one.

I told DH he's not allowed to make any more jokes about children until ours are at least 18.

That'll work, right?

crap...

I am totally freaking out. I've never used an OPK before, and did so for the first time yesterday. I did two, just to make sure I didn't mess up. They both showed up with two pretty dark lines, but it didn't look like the picture on the box, so I didn't think much of it. Then, when I did today's, there was no line at all. F%&#!!!! I think I surged yesterday. The stupid sp.erm isn't supposed to be here until tomorrow. I'm so afraid I've missed the minuscule window of opportunity this month. And if I have, what the hell do I do with the $700 sp.erm sample that arrives tomorrow!?!?!

I have an appointment with Dr. Wiz tomorrow afternoon, after the sp.erm arrives. Thankfully, even though I called him on a Sunday afternoon, he called me back in about 5 minutes.

I seriously don't know what to do. I've gotten a sub and taken tomorrow off, so at least that's done. But I don't know how to handle this.

continuing saga

So, I called the cryobank this morning to order, and the employee tells me that they are expecting a huge snowstorm tomorrow and that she's not sure if it will get here by Monday and that she reccomends I have it shipped overnight so it will be here by tomorrow. My RE's office doesn't have the storage facilities though, so if it gets here tomorrow, by the time I go in on Tuesday it will be day five of a 7-day "good" period before it expires. I think that's pushing it waaaaay too close.

I just can't believe we're having this many problems ordering. This is the third day in a row that something is going wrong. I'm beginning to wonder if it's a sign that we picked the wrong guy, wrong cryobank, wrong choice altogether...

I did not think I would spend my birthday stressing out over this.

In other news, we still have our high schooler living with us temporarily, although the temporary status doesn't seem as temporary as it first did. I think he'll be staying with us until he gets into foster care. We thought it would be a few days, but since he has a roof over his head, it looks like it's not priority to get him in the system. I guess we'll see how it goes.

set-backs

These past couple days have been so frustrating!

I talked to my RE's office last week, and we decided that I'll start testing with the OPK on the 6th. If I haven't surged by the 9th, I need to come in for a sonogram. She (the nurse) figured that if we have the sample delivered by the 8th, everything would run smoothly. Grrrr...

Yesterday, I hopped on line to order our swimmers. I hit check out....

And found out we can't order the sample from the guy we want. He's on the open donor registry, and apparently (although I haven't been able to find this anywhere on the site except the check-out) we have to sign a terms of use paper and MAIL it to them, they have a 3 day turn around, then, and only then, can they send us the sample.

That would push us back till March.

I talked with DH, and we decided to go with our second choice, who was only our second choice b/c he wasn't on the open donor list. So, I jump back on to do this (all during my 45 minutes a day without 20 10-year olds), hit check-out, and....

Find out there's yet another form we didn't know about. This one was just a consent form and could be faxed, but still. DH came and picked it up, faxed it off, and I called this morning to order instead.

My RE's office hasn't updated their new address, so now I have to call them, ask them to call and update, then call back and try once more to actually order. I'm worried that something else will go wrong and we'll wind up missing this cycle but still paying for it.

In other news, DH and I are very temporary parents to a 17-year old. One of DH's students got kicked out of his house, he's been crashing w/friends since Christmas, and for the past few days he's been sleeping in his car in the school parking lot. He's now sleeping in our guest bedroom until we can get him into foster care. He's a good kid who's gotten the short end of the stick. We're hoping he gets into a foster home in the same school-district, since he's banking on getting scholarships for his sport and graduating early. Keep him in your prayers.