Friday, February 12, 2010

In a Quandary

Or, as I would tell my 4th graders, in a pickle.

I got an email from my local RESOLVE leader yesterday. Apparently, a new woman wants to come to our next meeting, but she's going through secondary IF, as opposed to the rest of us.

Now, here's my problem. On the one hand, I fully understand the need to have people to talk with. Our group is small but so supportive. I know this woman wants the same thing we all want: a place to vent and cry and rage and question without fear. I understand that.

On the other hand...and I'll admit I feel incredibly selfish and shallow and mean saying this... this woman already has a child. She's already got one! Shouldn't we (those of us who feel like a baby is light years away still) get a first one, before she gets to cry about not having a second?!?!

I actually feel a bit worse admitting that.

Surely that I feel this way makes me a bad person. I keep trying to tell myself that IF SUCKS, no matter what. I keep trying to tell myself that the group supports me, even though as far as we know, IF is all on DH's end, and that I should be able to get pregnant easily. If they can do that, if they can love me, without any trace of jealousy or bitterness, can't I do my best to support a woman who is facing the same crap as the rest of us?

No. I can't. Because at the end of the meeting, she gets to go home to her child. And I don't.


  1. That is tough. Praying for peace for you both about the situation.

  2. This is so tough. I wouldn't feel so bad, many of us feel that way (and do feel guilty for feeling that way). Is there any possibility that this new woman could join another group or are you the "only game in town"?

  3. We live in the DFW area. I'd have a hard time believing we are the only group. I guess we'll see.

  4. I used to feel like that, until I had some meetings with people who went through secondary infertility. I am also able to sympathize a bit, because I come from a family with four children and it scares me to death when I think of only being able to have one child.

    You are definitely entitled to feel the way you do though. I always try to keep in mind that just because someone is going through something seemingly less traumatic than me, the trauma in their eyes could be just as great or greater.

  5. I can so relate to this feeling. Ten someone mentioned something to me. She said that at the end of the day we don't long to have a baby we long to have a family and for me that would mean having brothers and/or sisters. I also heard one lady suffering with secondary infertility saying how her little boy kept asking when he would get a brother or sister and again this helped me to relate to secondary infertility much better and understand their pain.