Monday, March 8, 2010

Between mind and body

More than a year ago, my DH gave me a keychain for my birthday. It was a tiny little photo album, really only big enough for two pictures. He said it was for our baby.

It sat on my dresser for months. Every time I saw it, I smiled. I knew that in no time it would be on my keys with pictures in it.

When summer rolled around, I put in carefully in a box to be moved to the new house. I admit, I forgot about it. I recently found it in a box in the garage. It's sitting on my dresser again, but I don't smile every time I see it. Instead of being a hopeful symbol, it's a reminder that after a year and a half, we have no baby. The one we hoped for is light-years away.

I feel like my body has betrayed me. After years of perfect cycles on BC, and 18 months of completely regular cycles off BC, we come to this.

Dear Body,
I want you to know I think this is completely ridiculous. I think it is nuts that we finally have a chance to get pregnant, a real chance, and you decide to go haywire. Why now? Why, on our first opportunity, when everything else is lined up perfectly, do you decide that AF should be 2 WEEKS LATE!? All I ask is that AF come and go, so we can move on to the IUI. But apparently, that wasn't in your plans.

There is no part of me that thinks I'm pregnant. But one would think after 2 weeks, five days of proges.terone, and 3 days of the most horrific cramps ever, I'd have something to show for it.

Instead, I have nothing but anger and disappointment at myself. And worry, of course. Worry that maybe I'm not meant to be a mom, worry that this is just another setback in a long line of setbacks to come.

1 comment:

  1. Oh no! I remember before we started trying, my cycles were perfect. Then as soon as we started, they went crazy! So frustrating! It's like our bodies play are playing a game... or a really mean trick. On the other hand... have you taken a pregnancy test? ;)