Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Things to say...

I have a confession...

I know I have been a terrible blogger.

Practically every post I've made since July has been the weekly pregnancy update.

Or me waxing poetic about the joys of green dip.

I feel guilty for this. One, because I know how much I hated reading only pregnancy-related posts when I wasn't pregnant, and two, because to everyone but me and probably my mom, those posts are pointless.

I mean, do you really care how many stretch marks I have? I thought not.

I seem to have come down with a horrible case of postiphobia. ( I actually did not make that word up. I just googled it to see if it was a real phobia before I made a fool of myself, and it turns out other people use the word too.)

I am afraid of writing what I truly want to write.

"Why?" you may ask.

Because I don't want to seem ungrateful.

I'm afraid to write about my back aching, my stomach stretching, my lack of quality sleep.

I'm afraid to write about my complete, total, and utter lack of a s.e.x. drive. ( I feel like finding a hooker for my husband might be justified...)

I'm afraid to write about the fears that constantly plague me about having a child that is genetically half-stranger. (What if she looks absolutely nothing like me? What if she has straight hair?)

I'm afraid to write the fears that come with having a husband who did not father our baby. (What if he really can't connect to her? What if he gives up trying?)

I'm afraid to write anything that will make me seem ungrateful. Because I'm not. I thank God every time her kicks wake me up when I'm dozing off, every time I don't sleep through the night, every time I run out of breath walking down the hall to the bathroom.

I am grateful. But I am also afraid.


  1. Those seem like fears that anyone in your situation might have. When we thought my husband had low sprem count we discussed a donor possibilty and all of those fears ran through my mind.
    I don't know your husband, but my guess is he must be a great guy to be a part of this decison in building your family and that he will be a great dad too!
    Congrats on your little girl!

  2. Thank you for this post.
    This sounds weird, but its actually good to hear your fears - because I share them too. I'm scared of the donor thing - the genetic half stranger and the bonding with my husband. (Not to mention all the "normal" fears about pregnancy and parenting) Ugh. But somehow it helps to hear the thoughts and feelings of someone who is going through these things - and is ahead of me on the journey.

    While I don't WANT you to be afraid, please don't be postiphobic to write about your fears.

    I can't tell you how much it has helped me to read your story. Keep it up!

  3. If there's ever a place where you can share your fears, it's here! MFI is still affecting you (and me, and all of us) even now that you're pregnant, and this should still be your place to discuss those feelings. Nobody should ever call you ungrateful for that - infertility never goes away, even after you're pregnant. I think it's better to be honest about what you're going through: fears, backaches, sleeplessness, and all. It's all part of your experience, and every part of your experience is worth blogging about!

  4. I second DeterminedDory... please post these things! Even the pregnancy complaints give me hope that one day, we'll experience that too. Plus, its your blog. If you can't write it on your blog, where can you write it? ;)

    Still just so happy for you both!

  5. Thanks for your sweet comment- I keep telling myself "Thirteen more days. Thirteen more days." And once I wake up tomorrow, it'll be down to 12.

  6. I have a lot of the same fears as you. Although, we used a known donor, so there is that whole thing too. Please let me know if you find a way to get past any of it!

  7. Awww Julie, It is hard to have emotions that appear to be in conflict with one another, but you are totally justified. We are complex creatures and part of that complexity comes with feeling lots of different things at once. I, for one, know that you are grateful beyond words for this blessing. But I also know that pregnancy isn't a cakewalk, and that the additional fears you must feel are as real as fears can be. One of the things that made me fall in love with blogging, and with your blog, was that you wrote about the experience with such truth and honesty. Your posts made me feel okay about my own feelings and fears. Reading your story made me feel not alone any more. Reading about your pregnancy, and knowing that I will soon be in a similar situation gives me hope, and it gives me permission to fully allow myself to experience this journey without second guessing if my experience is "normal".

    Only you can know what feels right to you, but I do hope that you will keep writing. Not for me, or anyone else out here, but for you, about whatever it is that you need or want to write about. Start a new blog if you need to, make it password protected if you need to, but keep writing!

    Love to you and Jeff!
    -xoxo - Foxy

  8. I am moved by your post. I totally understand your fears--and your fear of even writing this post ABOUT your fears.

    I agree with the others, you can post what you want here. I appreciate it because I have feared that I would have those same feelings since I am in the same situation. I can't wait til your little girl is born and you realize that the fears are behind you because your hubby is so incredibly in love with HIS baby girl. :)

  9. Love your honesty! I've always felt like infertiles have just as much right to complain/moan about pregnancy as fertiles do! I wouldn't be offended one bit if you whined about how much your back hurt or how much your belly itched. I think you can be grateful and still honest about the hard parts of pregnancy. I'm sure Cate will be just perfect!

  10. PS - I love reading about your stretch marks! I just don't have much to say in response. :)

  11. You know what those feelings never go away, when I was PG, I refused to blog..and when I went on bedrest, I didn't..I would email my friends and Mel and have them update everyone else, or give an update..but I wasn't temping fate...I was terrified and just determined not to give anything to the karma gods to take away from me.

    and now that the boys are (OMG) almost 3, I still feel that way, I just blogged about how CHristmas is so magical with children in your life, but when you think about your IF sisters, or go to write about that bliss, you remember that people reading it are hurting so much this time of year (I remember it being such a hard , sad time for me ) so you censor, you rewrite, you stifle, you don't blog.

    that being said, I also know that if you want to blog about those things ...all of it, then do it, no one here doesn't feel that you shouldn't...you went through HELL to get Cate, so sure complain and bemoan, (because sometimes being PG stinks ) and write about whatever you want to...We're here, some of have been where you are (some more are hoping to be there) and we all love you and understand.

    as for you and your hubby,,,BOTH of you will LOVE LOVE LOVE that little girl the moment you set eyes on her (if you haven't already which I can only assume you do) you won't believe the outpouring of emotion you'll have for that little baby.

    love to you, have a good weekend

  12. Julie, you are my hero! My husband and I are going through the same thing. The difference is that my husband has known about his condition since 2001 so he has had plenty of time to get used to the whole idea of using donor sperm (as much as you can get used to it of course). And don't worry about bonding etc. - it will be your child, you and your husband will be raising your little girl and she will be like both of you! I know a family where the oldest, and youngest kids are from wife and dh but middle child is from donor sperm and you cannot tell!!! It's their child (she is in early 20's now). BTW I just got BFP on 2nd dIUI. My first beta is little low - 33.6 and I am 14dpiui - reading your posts from June/July - made me believe that everything will be okay! :*:*: Take care!

  13. I want to help reassure you that your husband will bond fine with your baby. My son will be 3 in March and my husband loves that kid like no other. I think my husband worried more that our son wouldn't bond with him. He thought the baby would come out and just know that they weren't biologically connected. Totally not the case! I remember all the thoughts that went through my head while I was pregnant. He was so excited and helpful during my pregnancy and labor, but the thought of them not bonding was still there. The second the baby came out and I saw my husband cry then seeing him holding the baby as he brought him over to me all those worries were laid to rest!

  14. While I don't have the same fears relating to using a donor, I just wanted to say that you are not alone in being afraid to post the general pregnancy woes. We work so hard to get here, and then when we do, we know we've left so many still in the trenches. At the same time, pregnancy isn't 40 weeks of sunshine and roses, and I've found it hard to talk about that and still feel like I'm expressing gratitude. I've learned it's just another factor and leftover part of the struggles we went through to get here, and I'm glad enough of us are starting to say it so that more of us know they are not alone.