Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Hope is a Demon Bitch

I've been waiting to use that line as a post title for a while now. I love it. It's from Hamlet 2 and it describes exactly how I'm feeling.

I have been trying so hard not to think about this 2WW, the IUI, or the results of said IUI. It's not working. My thoughts are constantly on babies...er...baby. Sorry Jeff. (His mantra is "Only one".) Really, I'll take whatever, as long as they're healthy. But I digress...

I am really struggling with keeping my hope on a leash this time. I keep thinking "Well, there were four follicles, how could I not get pregnant?" I know that is not the best thing to think. But I really don't want to lose all hope. I mean, it seemed like everything went well. And while I have been doing so well about not searching for phantom pregnancy symptoms (blue veins, anyone?) I will swear to you that I could smell Jeff's shampoo this morning while he was in the shower. Through the shower door, the bathroom door, and the sheet covering my face as I tried to stay asleep. And then I have to tell myself IT'S ONLY BEEN 5 DAYS.

Technically, AF should show up on July 1st, or I POAS July 1st. I'm thinking that if AF doesn't show, I'm not testing until the next day. July 1st is my mom's 50th birthday, and I don't want to be an absolute downer all day if it's negative. Instead, I guess I'll just be really distracted.

Please, keep me in your thoughts. I bounce back and forth from daydreams about painting nurseries (nursery Jeff...I said nursery) to plans of spending the first week in July in bed weeping. Surely there's a happy medium out there somewhere.


  1. It's so hard to not get your hopes up... I mean, I get my hopes up even when I know its impossible! But at the same time, I kinda think it's unhealthy to not have hopes of some kind. And while I understand Jeff's concern about multiples, D and I joke all the time about getting two or more for the price of one! I know, sick joke. :) Hoping *wink* that the 2ww flies by and ends with a great surprise!

  2. Praying the next 9 days go fast!

  3. Hope all that you can. In my opinion, hope is what keeps me going even on the darkest days. I know it is not easy to get your hopes up and then be let down month after month...but one of these times is bound to be the month for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers for a fast 2ww.

  4. Hope the rest of this wait just flies by. Hope is a demon, but I think it keeps us going during the tough times so is essential. Keep us posted.

  5. Advice from someone who's clearly never been through this before, ready?? (lol) There's a connection between your mind and your body. Hope and positive, happy thoughts will help your body act the way it's supposed to. If you try to shut out hope and prepare to be miserable, your body could respond to that and wig out on you. Suggestion - allow yourself to hope, but build a "misery support kit" of things that can help you feel better if you do get let down. For me, it would have a LONG book, some new bubble bath, a few Xbox games, my teddy bear, and some really high quality tissues. Maybe even a bottle of wine. Put it all together in a basket and hide it. Another idea - write yourself a letter now, while you're hopeful, of all the things you would want to tell yourself next week if things don't work out. Also, feel free to come back to my blog in two weeks and tell me what an idiot I am. :-D

  6. HI sweets,
    I know that 2WW is always a Demon Bitch...and it does play with your mind and your heart. You want it so badly and the stats for it are SOOOO GOOD. Your heart, mind and body are telling you exactly what you want to know.

    However, my first symptom..and not to do this to do anything but keep you hopeful....was blue veins in my bbs...and of course awful cramps ...cramps like I thought ole Aunt Flo was coming any day. but yep I had blue veins visable in that 2WW. And my smell and barfing commenced at 6 weeks..to the day.

    I don't know, I hate saying it HAS TO BE...it's hard for infertiles to be pos with one another because we see so much heartache, but I'm acknowledging that...when I was TTC...I wanted people to tell me I HAD TO BE PG...just had to be. Maybe it wasn't true for 4 yrs but it did help keep me a little less crazy.

    You must be PG!!!!
    and I love ya. Hang in for 9 days and know I'm here if you need me.