Wednesday, November 18, 2009

First time for everything.

My natural inclination when faced with a problem is to talk it out with everyone I trust. Unfortunately, this problem is one I have no desire to discuss with the ones I love. I guess maybe because I'm still not sure how I'm feeling.

At the age of 25, I have found out I may never give birth to a baby, at least not my husband's. We've been trying for over a year to get pregnant. Finally, I took myself to the doctor. The doc reccomended we go ahead and test my husband's sperm, just in case. We did, but we both thought the problem lay with me. My mom had lots of troubles getting pregnant, so it wouldn't have been a surprise. What was a surprise was the doctor calling at 6 at night to tell us that my husband had no sperm. Not a low sperm count. NONE. No sperm. At all.

We have a second doctor's appointment next week, so I fully realize that it's probably to damn early to be freaking out, but all the research we've done makes the outlook grim. And, while I realize that this isn't the end of the road, even if there's nothing the doctor can do, it's really really difficult to accept that the little dream babies I've been having, with chubby legs, blue eyes, and ringlets inherited from 2 sets of curly haired DNA aren't ever going to exist. And that hurts.

I think the real reason I don't want to talk to anyone I know about this is because it might get back to my husband. I am trying to be strong in front of him. I know he feels terrible about this. The night we found out, he apologized. Said I didn't sign up for this when I married him. That I would be better off without him. This is, of course, completely ridiculous. I'd rather have him than a dozen children. Still, I don't want to give him any more reasons to go thinking stupid things like that. So I'm telling nameless readers (or maybe no one, I guess) instead of him.



  1. Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. It's hard to go through this and not talk about it. I'm a teacher too and while it's the most rewarding job, it can also be the worst to be around kids all day- a constant reminder of what we don't have.

  2. I just found your blog through Stirrup Queens. I'm so sorry that we have to "meet" under these circumstances...I wouldn't wish azoospermia on anyone. My husband was diagnosed exactly 3 years ago with non-obstructive azoo and we are now the parents of a 20 month old little boy thanks to Donor Sperm. I know it isn't the right choice for everyone, but it has been the best thing we've ever done.

    If you are ever interested in reading mine e-mail me at somewhatordinary at gmail dot com. I went PWP shortly after we found out we had conceived because I knew my husband wanted more privacy over the situation.

    I wish you all the best and have added you to my blog roll!

  3. That Azoos diagnosis is the hardest news. The only way I can describe it was that my world stopped spinning. And you are so right that it feels so lonely. But I am so grateful that we've met, Julie!