My natural inclination when faced with a problem is to talk it out with everyone I trust. Unfortunately, this problem is one I have no desire to discuss with the ones I love. I guess maybe because I'm still not sure how I'm feeling.
At the age of 25, I have found out I may never give birth to a baby, at least not my husband's. We've been trying for over a year to get pregnant. Finally, I took myself to the doctor. The doc reccomended we go ahead and test my husband's sperm, just in case. We did, but we both thought the problem lay with me. My mom had lots of troubles getting pregnant, so it wouldn't have been a surprise. What was a surprise was the doctor calling at 6 at night to tell us that my husband had no sperm. Not a low sperm count. NONE. No sperm. At all.
We have a second doctor's appointment next week, so I fully realize that it's probably to damn early to be freaking out, but all the research we've done makes the outlook grim. And, while I realize that this isn't the end of the road, even if there's nothing the doctor can do, it's really really difficult to accept that the little dream babies I've been having, with chubby legs, blue eyes, and ringlets inherited from 2 sets of curly haired DNA aren't ever going to exist. And that hurts.
I think the real reason I don't want to talk to anyone I know about this is because it might get back to my husband. I am trying to be strong in front of him. I know he feels terrible about this. The night we found out, he apologized. Said I didn't sign up for this when I married him. That I would be better off without him. This is, of course, completely ridiculous. I'd rather have him than a dozen children. Still, I don't want to give him any more reasons to go thinking stupid things like that. So I'm telling nameless readers (or maybe no one, I guess) instead of him.