Thanks, I think

I have spent the day reading blogs written by women who either are infertile themselves, or who are dealing with their husbands' infertility. On the one hand, it has been SO comforting to hear that other people are going through it too. It's good to know we're not alone.

On the other hand, the more reading I do, the closer that dark cloud gets to me. It takes so long for this crap. Any of it. Let me explain, since that's not exactly coherent. All of these women have been trying to get pregnant for years. They've had tests, their husbands have had tests, they've had IUI'S and IVF's, adoptions fall through, and countless other very time consuming process. And I can see time stretching out in front of me, endless and dark. I'm 25. I have all the time in the world to have a child. It's not me. But the DH is 42. He doesn't have time to wait. At this point, if we have a child in the next three years, he'll be in his sixties when the kid graduates high school.

Never has the age difference between my DH and myself bothered me. It's usually nothing. We suit each other like macaroni and cheese. Now, for the first time, it's an issue. I read these other blogs, and I see women my age going through the same thing, but their husbands are my age too. And I know my DH. He will hit a point where he thinks his time has passed, and give up.

Then what? Do I face a childless future? I have always wanted children. Lots of them. Now, I feel like I'll be lucky if I have one.

In other news, I am getting more and more nervous as DH's doctor's appointment approaches next week. It's four days away. Part of me is hoping the doctor will just tell us that there's nothing to do except find a sperm donor or adopt. I am so terrified that we will start spending all this money on procedures that have less than a 20% chance of working. And even if they do work, what if it turns out there's something wrong with me too?

I'm not sure I can handle this.